So I’ve been absent for a while. And here’s the reason. I’ve been bone achingly tired. Like the kind of tired that insinuates itself into your very insides and prevents you from even thinking. I’ve had so many half thoughts that I just haven’t been able to articulate into words. Normally when I get this tired, I push myself because I’m both OCD, have a massive Ego and a type A personality. But I’ve read a few articles and blog posts about how other women are coping during this crazy pandemic and the majority of things I’ve read have all said that we all feel unproductive and tired and that it’s ok because we live in a completely unprecedented situation and we are all just trying to survive. So, I’ve taken this to my heart and I’ve allowed myself the luxury of being tired and just wallowing in my exhaustion and in my head – laziness.
My to do list is growing each day, my ambition is withering away and my words are drying up inside me. But it’s ok, because I’m healing myself. And if you really need to know, I’ve been put on the clinically extremely vulnerable list and I’m finally allowing myself to believe it. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not limiting myself or allowing myself to stagnate, but what I am doing is listening to my mind and body. I never allow myself to do this, because in my head it’s laziness. So I run around like a mad demon and I push and I push until I can’t push anymore and then I crash and then it takes me months to recover and then I have to start all over again. Stupid right? So enough of that nonsense. I don’t want to keep crashing and burning. I just want to exist in a world where if I exert myself, it doesn’t end with an inevitable decline. I don’t know how to do that yet. I’m still learning. So while I learn how to take care of myself properly, my to do list will have to wait, my words will have to stay half baked and I will just have to learn to develop some patience.