Forty and Fabulous???

Yes! I am forty. Today is the blessed day of my birth and I turn forty. Now you would think that lockdown would mean that my birthday sucked. But it’s actually been brilliant so far. I know it’s only 10am, but so far so good. I am an introvert (Alone time for an introvert). I like being alone. So this birthday has been a dream. I haven’t had to make small talk with a bunch of weirdos I barely like. I haven’t had to dress up. I’m in my gym kit. You all know my feelings on elasticated waists (Mom jeans), so I’m actually winning.  Usually, Chump and I will go for a nice meal out somewhere and while that is blissful, this weekend, I have just eaten Doritos and chocolate digestives.  I have refused to eat any real food of any sort and like a child, developed a tummy ache and then went to bed without my dinner.  You see even though I’m now 40, I still act like an 8 year old.

Chump got my favourite chocolate cake ( https://konditor.co.uk/curly-whirly-cake.html) delivered from my favourite bakery and I think he got enough cake to feed 100 people. So if you live in my burb, expect a cake delivery at some point today from yours truly. But this is why it’s good. Because it means I get to see people I actually want to see, rather than being forced into a party and having to talk to people I don’t even like, let alone know. Of course, I miss the people I can’t see, who don’t live close to me, but you know whatsapp and other techie things take care of that, so it’s all good. But the most striking thing about this birthday is that even though we are all under metaphorical house arrest and Covid is scaring the living sh*t out of us, we live in perpetual darkness and I am constantly praying at the altar of my SAD lamp (Winter), I am actually pretty happy.  Good things happen on my birthday.  I got engaged 12 years ago on my birthday (God I am f*cking old). I started a new job on my birthday 7 years ago and this year, I am starting a new role in a different department on my birthday. So some pretty epic things have happened in my life. 

But I want to take you back to my 30^th birthday, ten long years ago.  If you knew me back then, you know I was a hot shit corporate lawyer, working at a hot shit law firm. I was probably on the partnership track (or at least I think I was). I was young, I was filthy rich, I had a hot husband. But I was miserable. I had no time, I don’t think I had any friends. I never saw my family. I never saw Chump. I lived at the office. On my 30^th birthday, I remember, sitting in a meeting room with my clients and the other side at 11pm, working on a massive transaction, staring out the window at the South Bank, thinking that this was going to be my life forever. I would never see the world, and I would only ever see this view. I looked over at the partner sitting next to me and I thought I didn’t want this to be my life when I was 50. I felt trapped.  Even though I was free.  When I quit 5 months later, nobody could believe it.  But I couldn’t face another year of being trapped in my own gilded prison.  And now, ironically, we are genuinely trapped and I’ve never felt freer.  I know there is a lot of bad shit going on in the world, but today is February 1. The sun is shining for 2 more minutes than it did yesterday.  We are a month and a half away from spring.  Even though I’ve turned 40, I feel good. I feel happy. And if you know me, this is rare. I’m usually a basket case (Guilt, anxiety and other such pleasantries). Don’t worry too much.  Tomorrow, I will go back to being a basket case. But for today, I’m going to eat enough cake for 100 people and tonight I will do tae kwon do with my classmates on Zoom and get one step closer to my black belt (My week).