So after my last post, my parents and Chump sat me down and we talked about my anxiety. My parents were adamant that they don’t compare me to my sister and they were proud of both of us. Blah Blah. Yeah I know. But talking to my parents always makes me feel better because they bring a perspective that I don’t always have. My dad dropped some wisdom from the mysticism of Islam and that always lifts my spirits. I know that I google everything and figure out all this stuff myself, but hearing it from my dad just gives it some extra credibility. I don’t know why that is. My mum dropped some love bombs on me and I always like that. Chump however, that ducking Chump, dropped some mean bombs on me. He told me I essentially had a big Ego (duh) and that I was only concerned with finding my purpose so that I could impress my parents. That it didn’t matter when I found my purpose, as long as I found it and if I tried to put a timeline on it, then my intentions were all wrong. I hate it when that guy is right. My dad also said the same thing, but he said it in a much gentler, mystical way and so, naturally, I preferred his delivery.
Anyway, it got me thinking – why am I floating so aimlessly in life? Well, I had an epiphany. It’s because now my kids are older. Don’t get me wrong. They are still young, but we are not in that intense early childhood phase where they physically need you. Now their needs are different. They are less demanding. They go to school and they have activities and they have friends etc. Their needs are a bit more psychological, than physical. And you would think this would give me relief because my god, early childhood is way too demanding. I was the type of mother who gave everything to my babies. I had no life. I had no friends. I had no hobbies. I was just so wrapped up in their lives and what they needed, that I completely neglected my own life. And now I find myself with time and I think, “oh shit, what am I supposed to do now?” It’s weird, because you would think this type of crisis would hit when my kids left home for university and Chump and I became empty nesters, but no, in true Yasmin fashion, I’m having my existential crisis a full decade early. So I’m trying to figure out what my life is about now. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still a devoted mother. I still adore my kids and would do anything for them, but I can’t fulfill all their needs anymore. Now they need to go an develop outside of my love. I guess you could almost say, it’s left me bereft. So, I’m trying to rebuild my own life. Get my own identity back. But what is my identity. If it’s not first and foremost wife and mother, then what is it? I don’t even know. But watch this space. It may or may not be magnificent.
