Go away

Listen, I actually started today in a really good mood. The sun was shining for a change, it’s nearly half term, which means no more bloody zoom and lessons etc, I worked out, I ate well. You know all the stuff that makes you feel good in a day. But then I came upstairs after an intense session on the Peloton (I will write more about my Peloton in a different post) and wanted to spend a few minutes meditating before I hopped in the shower. But Chump told me I was pongy (well what do you expect after a spin session you ducking Chump), so I went for a shower asap. Now, Chump works from home due to lockdown. Great. I love having him home. He is my best friend and I get lonely without him. But I did not sign up to also being married to his colleagues. His “office” is adjacent to my bedroom. Every time I want to pee, I have to shut the door because his colleagues can hear. Now you are probably thinking I should do that anyway right? Wrong. We have been married for more than 10 years. We often have our most interesting conversations while one of us is peeing. Also I just remember random stuff while I’m peeing and if I don’t tell him ASAP, I will forget it. And don’t forget, I am the mother to relatively small children who do not understand the concept of privacy and personal space. As far as they are concerned, if I am not dead, I am available to pester and touch. Sometimes my daughter will come and sit on my lap. I mean really? Why? And I don’t feel that comfortable locking the bathroom door, because as soon as I do that, inevitably, something will break or someone will get hurt, or I will come out of the bathroom and find fish sauce has been sprinkled all over the carpet or something like that. Sorry if it’s TMI, but this is the intimacy that family life brings.

And it’s all the more magnified under lockdown. We are all home. All the time. I never get a moment’s peace. You all know I am an introvert right? You all know how much I hate noise. So this is genuinely torturing me. But you want to know the real reason I feel tortured? I am sharing my home with strangers. Colleagues, the kids’ classmates and their teachers. Everyone gets a peak in. Not only that, I just can’t do what I want to do without being asked a million questions.

Let’s go back to meditating. We all know meditation is cool right? It’s got benefits. We should all be meditating daily. This is not some hippy thing. This is real. Go and meditate everyday. Well, every time I sit down to meditate, someone will want something. I should wake up at 4am to meditate. My alarm goes off every day at 4am and I think I need to wake up. But Girl is right next to me because she loves my Cold arm. If I even think of moving, she wakes up. So there goes that idea. I also like to meditate quite loudly. Some meditation is supposed to be quiet, but some is very vocal. I do a bit of both. I don’t feel that comfortable doing a loud meditation when Chump and the kids are in the house and the people they might be on a call with with can hear me. I really don’t need my kids’ teachers enquiring about what Mummy was chanting so loudly.

Another thing, when I came out of the shower today, I got rid of the scaffolding that every woman knows as a bra. Yeah that’s right. Whatever. They suck. And seeing as I sadly had a Zoom call at 12pm, Chump told me to put the scaffolding back on, because as he put it so kindly, gravity ain’t your friend. Duck off Chump. Duck off Zoom. Just for the record, I am also not a total moron. I tend to pitch up to Zoom calls looking like a respectable human, not some bedraggled monster.

Sorry this post was quite ranty. I didn’t know I had it in me, but I think you all know I did.

By the way, do you like how I now linked to posts and websites using words rather than posting the link? My fully grown adult niece (yes I am old enough to have one of those. I am Forty after all) told me to do that. So thanks for schooling me Ashi! You’re getting me one step closer to being cool.

Lastly, to my subscribers. I don’t know what to say. I give up. I’m actually looking to hire somebody else to figure this subscriber drama out, so I continue to thank you for your patience.