So the last post was really heavy. Thanks to everyone who respected my privacy. I know you were concerned, so I’m here to tell you – everything is ok. Please don’t worry. I feel like I need to explain a little bit. I talked about suicide. But it wasn’t to scare you about my own mental health. Yes, I am incredibly anxious right now, but the only reason I mentioned suicide was to make the point that Anthony Bourdain struggled with his mental health and maybe if he had opened up, things might have been different. I was also trying to make the point that no matter how privileged our lives look on the outside or how good things are, we may still struggle. So, I apologize if I scared you. I am anxious but ok.
I had a long conversation with my dad yesterday. He read my post and was understandably freaked out. When I explained the above to him, he relaxed. But he did point out that I was incredibly anxious. I agreed. And then he said something that completely floored me. He said “I’ve known you would be anxious from the day you were born, because you’re an Aquarius.” At which point, I cracked up. You need to understand the context. My dad is a legit scientist. So to hear him talk about star signs and astrology just came out of left field. But anyway, it piqued my interest, because I’m a serious narcissist and love to talk about myself and read about myself. So I looked it up. And it turns out Aquarius are prone to anxiety and in fact we don’t handle anxiety well at all and we get aggressive to people around us because we get so worked up. Sadly, it’s all true. Poor Chump. He’s my punching bag when I get worked up about something. Anyway, he knew what he was getting into when we got married, so whatever. Wanna check out your own star sign to see how you handle anxiety – https://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2017/09/this-is-how-each-zodiac-sign-behaves-when-they-have-an-anxiety-disorder/. There’s your link.
I was skeptical when my dad first mentioned the Zodiac, but after I read mine, I was impressed with how accurate it was. I’m still skeptical, but hey, the universe is a mysterious place, so who the hell knows. I then proceeded to check how each of my family members could handle anxiety based on their star signs and it got me thinking. Apparently, Boy can’t tolerate anxiety at all and neither can Girl and then I realized – this has nothing to do with their star signs. The reality is that if we possess brains, then we have mental health. And no human being on this planet has perfect mental health. The thing about being human is that we are subject to fluctuations in our mood on a daily basis. We never have perfect happiness. We will all go through periods of anxiety and sadness. Some more acute than others. It was interesting to talk to my dad yesterday because that generation is notorious for not talking about their mental health, but my dad opened up about how one of his friends committed suicide and how it shook him to his very core. And I think the point is that we need to be able to talk about these things. All of us. Without feeling like we are weak or vulnerable or that it makes us less than somehow.
Sometimes the kids will tell me they feel sad and I ask them why and they say they don’t know. I just hug them and tell them I love them and that I’m always here to listen. I don’t know if that helps them, but I hope to God that when they are older, they feel like they can talk to me. That they don’t clam up and keep things hidden inside of them. That’s my ultimate aim – to make this world better for my kids. To give them the safety of being able to have feelings and feeling secure in the knowledge that no matter what they feel or why, that they are ok. That somehow we will get through it together. And that nobody expects them to be happy all the time and that it’s not even normal to be happy all the time. So I have to set the example. I have to show them it’s ok to feel off sometimes and it’s ok to talk about it.
So, I apologize to anyone who was worried about me. I am genuinely ok. Yes, I am anxious and I’m jittery, but it’s ok. But if you’re not ok, that’s ok. I guess what my rambling is trying to say is that it’s ok to not be ok. It’s not embarrassing. It doesn’t make you weak. Talk to someone. A friend, family. A professional. Let’s not hide the fact that we have emotions and we feel things. We’re human. Sometimes we can feel sad for no reason, or for very good reason. It’s all ok. Let’s just not go through it alone.
This is my last post on mental health for now. I’m sorry if it’s all a bit heavy and deep. I’ll try to make the next post something ridiculous.
