Sadness

Sometimes I just get taken over by inexplicable sadness. Almost a nostalgia that hurts me to my bones. It’s nearly the end of the school year – sad. Nearly 10 years since I left my firm. Sad. My beloved mentor passed away from cancer. Sad. Lockdown is practically over. Sad. These moments of sudden sadness just take me over and I almost feel like I can’t breathe. I let these moments wash over me because if I try to deny them they will just linger. And I don’t want the sadness to linger. I wonder why I feel sadness about these things. Why does it bring me to the brink of tears to think of the school year being finished ? My kids don’t care. They feel relief and happiness. But I feel sad that they are losing some of the best teachers they’ve ever had, who genuinely loved my kids and saw their potential, even when my kids couldn’t see it. Why do I feel sad that lockdown is practically over ? Surely this is what we all wanted. I miss the quiet. I miss the fact that there was no choice but to go to the park and spend hours there watching the kids climb trees. Now we have choices again. We can see people again. And suddenly those lovely days of just the 4 of us isn’t enough. We want to see all our loved ones but I mourn for those peaceful days. Maybe every time something ends it reminds me that we are getting older and life is fleeting. One day we won’t be here. Our loved ones won’t be here. I don’t mind getting old. But I don’t want my family to get old. I wish I could crystallise everyone as they are now and hold on to them forever.