Juggle juggle juggle

I can’t cope anymore. I’m on the verge of tears. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m so tired of juggling everything. This is the text I sent to Chump this morning. Because it’s all true. I am so mentally and emotionally drained from this shitty life that we live in this shitty world. When did life get so overwhelming? Why is being a parent so hard. Let me give you some background, so you don’t think I’m in yet another crisis for no reason. There is a reason, although once I write it down, it will probably look like a micro crisis that I’ve invented because I am insane. But at the risk of looking demented, I’ll fill you in.

I work, part time. I like my job. I like my employer and I like the organization that I work for. I genuinely feel lucky in my job. It doesn’t cause me stress. In fact, I’m good at it. And I enjoy the relief of going into the office. I’m one of those weirdos who actually enjoys the commute and being in the office. It cuts my day up and makes it structured. When I am forced to work from home for an extended period of time, I hate it. I get really depressed and anxious and paranoid. And because of this horrific heat wave, I’m forced to work from home. Don’t get me wrong, I like working from home and I definitely need flexibility in my life. But I can’t do it all the time. Girl finished school about two weeks ago. So trying to figure out what to do with her while I continued working and Boy still had school was a challenge to say the least. Because Girl is a little homebody. She loves being home with her arts and crafts and her toys and her space. But she got shipped off to my parents house for some sleepovers. And initially she loved it, but then she started getting homesick and then the shit hit the fan, because when Girl gets homesick, she can’t cope. But last week, was one of those insane weeks when everything just piled up on me. Boy still had school. I still had to work and I had to go into the office for a few meetings. But not only did Boy still have school, but he had final assembly and prize giving day on two separate days. And he wanted me to come to both. To be absolutely clear, he did not win any prizes and we knew he wasn’t winning any prizes. He just wanted to see his mama there. So I obliged him, because I love him and want him to be happy. But I had to sit in a sweltering hot church for two hours each day. It cut into my precious time when I have to get my life admin done. Last week, I didn’t get to work out at all. And when I don’t exercise, I freak out. To make matters a bit more complicated, we had a bit fat Indian wedding of an extended family member starting the day Boy finished school. It was a 4 day thing and it was intense man. Because it required so much freaking planning. I had to get everybody’s outfits ready, including my own. And if you know anything about Indian outfits, you know what an absolute headfuck they are if you’ve been unfortunately blessed with a buxom body. As I have. But I had to all the other shit, like get my nails did, my hair done, get rid of all the unwanted hair that Indian women just seem to accumulate everywhere. Now I know you’re thinking, why are you panicking about all this shit. Because it needs to get done and where is the time man. How are we supposed to juggle kids and work and life admin all the time? I am so tired. I am so emotionally drained. I got an email today about some insurance I’ve taken out over something and it is renewing in a week. And those fuckers are charging me a £20 insurance renewal premium, which is outrageous. But I just thought to myself, I don’t care. I’m just going to let it renew, because I don’t the headspace to call them and cancel the insurance and then do the research on finding the right insurance. It’s too much admin. My head would explode just thinking about it. I feel ashamed that I am just going to let that £20 go whereas my parents and any other sensible human being wouldn’t do it. When I add work into the mix and all the figuring out childcare over the summer, my brain just overheats and I panic. Childcare is expensive over the summer and it’s also not fit for purpose. I don’t know what working parent only needs childcare until 3pm in the summer. I do not finish work at 3pm. And I do not start work at 10am. The hours are completely useless to me. So I have to hustle some more and try to figure out wrap around care. I read this lovely article in the Guardian about how people want a good work life balance and have kind of ditched their career ambition. To be honest, I did that years ago, but even now with my limited part time role, its all starting to feel like too much. Chump told me yesterday about one of his colleagues dropping his wife and kids to the airport because they are going away for the whole summer and my response was : lucky bastard. I wish you guys were going away all summer. And then Chump replied: what me and the kids. And I said yes. I wanted Chump and the kids to go away all summer and just leave me to it. Isn’t that awful? I love my family. I love my kids. I love my stupid husband. But right now, I am so blind sighted by all the shit I have to get through this summer, that I can’t think straight. I don’t think the 40 degree heat is helping. Maybe when the temperature drops to a much more manageable 35 degrees, I’ll calm down a bit. But for now, I can’t cope anymore. I’m on the verge of tears. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m so tired of juggling everything.