I think one of the most harmful concepts to come out of life is the idea that we all have some great purpose. That we’ve been put on this earth to do something. I think this is a western concept (but don’t quote me on that) and that a lot of indigenous cultures think that we exist simply because we do. Again, don’t quote me on that, as I’m merely quoting from some facebook page that I saw. But still, it got me thinking. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to find our purpose and live these amazing meaningful lives. And more importantly, why haven’t I found my purpose yet? Does this mean I’m just living a meaningless, useless life? So, naturally, I internalize this and then get all freaked out that I haven’t found my purpose and I better bloody find my purpose otherwise my life will be pointless.
I am obsessed with my parents. Like I can’t live without talking to my parents 10 times a day. I’m bloody Forty. Which means my parents are in their late 70s. They are super sprightly and just downright awesome. But I know the day is coming when they just won’t be here anymore. I can’t deal with that day. I can’t deal with that concept. I can’t imagine a life where my parents aren’t around. It completely freaks me out and I just can’t deal. So I live in denial. But anyway, the reason I’m in such a rush to find my purpose is because I want my parents to be around when I do amazing things. Now I am a highly average person. There is absolutely nothing exceptional about me. But in my head, I’m a freaking genius who is going to do amazing things and change the world. So when is that going to happen? I’m also a believer in fate and that when the time is right for my purpose to be revealed, it will be. So in theory, I shouldn’t need to stress about these things. But you all know me. You all know I’m a huge ball of toxic anxiety. So telling me not to stress is like telling me not to breathe. I want to find my purpose so that my parents will be proud of me. Of course they’re proud of me already, but in a way that all parents are proud of their kids, you know? I haven’t really given them much else to be proud of in my achievements. Yes I’ve gotten married to a nice guy and I have kids, but those aren’t my achievements. I didn’t earn them. I have an older sister. And when I tell you my sister is amazing, it’s no exaggeration. And don’t misunderstand me. I am super proud of my sister. I can talk about her achievements all day long and in fact I do. But when people ask my parents how my sister is doing, they’ll say things like: Oh she’s just met the Queen (true story). And then when they ask how I’m doing, the response is: Oh Yasmin has headaches. Gee thanks Mom. Or: How is Sister? Oh she’s head of so and so department and has tons of people reporting to her (also true story). That’s great. How is Yasmin? Oh, she just figured out how to move her car from her parking spot in front of her house. Gawd Mom stop. And then the person looks over at me with a look of sheer pity in their eyes and says: well done on figuring out how to drive your car. To be fair to me, my parking spot IS super tight, but still. It’s non stop face palm moments if I’m being honest. So anyway, I’d really like to find my purpose asap, so that in my parents’ lifetime, they can see my true genius. They kind of know I’m a genius, because I always talk about what a genius I am, but I don’t think I’ve wowed them with my genius yet. And don’t say, maybe your purpose is to raise amazing kids. That’s a cop out. That makes me feel like a Handmaid. Ofchump. No thanks. Maybe if I was still on my partner trajectory at my old law firm, my parents would be able to say : Oh Yasmin? Yeah she’s bought her 7th house in the Bahamas. Rather than: Oh Yasmin, yeah she’s really excited about the new robot hoover and mop she just bought. Face palm. So, do you have any suggestions for my purpose? I’m serious. I need help.
And for the record, my parents are awesome. They never put any pressure on me. This is entirely self inflicted.
