Submission

So look I know I haven’t written in a while ok. Can we just skip past that for now. Because right now I feel like my brain might explode. Everything is fine in life and I’ve been generally content with life, but for the past month or so, I’ve been stressed. Like super stressed. Boy has his end of year exams and I know you’re wondering why that’s bothering me, well, because it just does. Remember this post? Well that’s why. Also, because of the exams, we haven’t really done much with our lives. We’ve pretty much steered clear of all social interactions, so that Boy can just study. It’s been No fun. So yeah, it’s a stress of my own making. I also have some other non parenting related stress that in the scheme of things is not actually a big deal. I know in 2 months, I’ll question why I let this very minor thing stress me out so much. But for now, it’s super stressing me. And here’s the thing. It’s testing me. It’s testing my ability to let go and just trust. I really do believe that the only real source of human happiness is to let go of control and just trust. In Islam, we call it submission to the will of God. But it’s not solely an Islamic concept. It’s in every major religion and philosophical movement. Isn’t this the meaning of detachment? But for some reason, I just can’t let this go. And that’s what’s bothering me. I can’t seem to self soothe. Normally I can calm myself down from these stressful episodes by just trusting in God, or whatever it is that’s controlling the universe. I am watching Conversations with Friends. Have you watched it? I hate it. I loved the book and I loved Normal People (the show and the book), but Conversations with Friends is just painful. Frances is painful. And the thing is in the book, I really liked Frances. She was relatable. But in the show, she is just insipid and I find her to be a leach. Whatever. I’m still watching the whole bloody show, but I am hating every minute of it. But one thing that Nick said really stuck with me. He was describing when he was depressed and how he couldn’t get up and he couldn’t think and it just struck me as so liberating. I’m not meaning to undermine depression. I know how debilitating it can be. But as someone who is a chronic overthinker to the point that my thoughts hold me hostage, it just felt so freeing to think I could just give up and stop thinking. And as someone who always feels the need to be productive and not give into my natural urge to just chill, I just thought how nice it would be to just acknowledge that sometimes life is too much. And I can’t deal with it. So I messaged Chump and told him I was done. I didn’t want to think anymore. I give up. I give up control. Do I feel liberated? Not really. I’m still as stressed as ever, but at least now I’m not actively trying to manage my stress. There’s a certain freedom that comes with acknowledging that we can’t always be on top of everything. That sometimes we just need to hide under our duvets and not deal with every single thing that comes up. I’m sure that tomorrow, I’ll be horrified at this way of thinking, but for today, I just can’t cope. I’m tired. I’m tired of my mind. I’m tired of the catastrophizing. I’m tired of the overthinking. The constantly trying to find solutions. The constantly trying to find the positive in everything. Some things are just shit. End of. End of this post too. Bye.