So alot of you have been checking in with whether my good mood continued after my birthday (Forty and Fabulous???) or whether I soon after reverted into being a basket case (Guilt, anxiety and other such pleasantries). Well the answer is kind of both. The day after my birthday, I was knackered. I mean I had never been more social in my life. Between all the calls, the sugar rush, the social media stuff, I was done for. Of course, we stayed home, we protected the NHS and we saved lives. One more time, all together now, stay at home, protect the NHS, save lives. Ah Bojo would be proud.
I needed some major naps, of which I took many. I mean, I am 40 after all. Napping now comes with the territory. But, the kids weren’t ok. There was nothing patently wrong thank god, but they were just funky, as is almost every child in this country (https://www.itv.com/news/granada/2021-02-05/homeschooling-what-effect-is-it-having-on-childrens-mental-health). I mean look, there are a plethora of articles you can google on children’s mental health, domestic abuse, hungry kids, children who are self harming etc. It’s all a bit much to take in and is very upsetting, but anyway, if you don’t believe me, go and do the research. Now of course, nobody is questioning the necessity of lockdowns to save lives, but let’s be frank, kids are suffering. So, as with any other child forced to be home and away from their friends and teachers, away from the structure and routine of their lives, my kids are down. And the saddest thing for me is that my kids don’t quite have the tools to articulate this sadness, this anxiety. They don’t know what’s going on. They understand Covid and how scary it is. God knows it’s all they hear about. And they love their grandparents and their older family members, so they are hyper aware of how Covid can be devastating for us. Anyway, my point is is that if you are a parent and your kid is even only a little bit down, you as the parent, cannot be happy. You cannot have even have a hint of happiness or ease. Because you love your kids and you worry about them and all you want is for them to be happy. You will literally do everything in your worldly powers to make them smile. Now again, it has to go without saying, that we want our kids to be resilient and I am in no way suggesting that we should be taking away our children’s ability to feel things or to self regulate their emotions etc etc. I ain’t no Smother (Urban Dictionary: Smother Mother), but I don’t think I’m unusual in being upset because my kids aren’t 100%.
You all know I struggle with own sense of productivity (The Struggle Is Real) and I am the biggest procrastinator in the world. I always say I need to write everyday and I have a to do list as long as my arms, but for some reason, I just can’t seem to get through that list. Ok, I hate admin (Errand Paralysis) and I don’t believe I am capable of anything (You Phoney Impostor), but still, I have some basic ambitions and god knows my ego friend won’t let me have a minute of rest if I don’t keep pretending to do stuff (Ego). And I realised today the reason I can’t get stuff done is because as a mother, I harbour a very real sense of guilt towards my kids. Like if I do anything for myself, or spend any time doing things I need to do that don’t (doesn’t? I literally don’t know) involve their wellbeing somehow, I am failing as a mother. Parenthood is tough anyway (Parenting), but when you add in that extra layer of guilt, it becomes unbearable. So I never let myself do what I want or need to do and I end up resenting myself and berate myself for being a fat lazy cow. I mean seriously. What a stupid way to live.
So yesterday I was scrolling through FB, because you know I am addicted (Addiction) and I came across an ad for some positive parenting stuff (Online Parenting Course for Parents of Toddlers to Teens ⎸ Positive Parenting Solutions) and I realized that I need to fill my kids emotional buckets and once I do that, I can chill and start filling my own stupid buckets. So today, we took the kids out in the morning, then spent the rest of the morning colouring together and now we are all writing at the same time. Boy is writing a journal about his feelings and Girl is writing a story book about her feelings. I did not tell them to do this. They decided to write about their feelings by themselves. Maybe this is the way they will be able to articulate their anxieties to us. The point is, I now feel a bit better about taking some time for myself because my kids are alright. Who knows if this is sustainable or whether I will be too lazy to carry this on, but at least for today, I feel a bit of inner calm.
