Warning – this post is about mental health or lack thereof.
Some of my more astute readers may have picked up on some rather obsessive tendencies in my posts. Welcome to the weird and horrible world of obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD as it‘s frequently referred to. Yes that’s right. I have OCD. Which means my brain is constantly switched on trying to find something to obsess about and make me feel guilty or worried about. This manifests itself as extreme anxiety which often renders me completely debilitated and exhausted. My mind fixates on something and I need relief. Relief may come in the form of the obsessive cleaning ( Robot McRobotface ; Agency and control ; Clutter clutter clutter ; Uncertainty) over the top cooking, reading everything in sight, extreme exercising, finding things to do to keep myself occupied etc. I cannot have a minute spare otherwise I spiral into a stream of negative thoughts ( You Phoney Impostor; Addiction; Mind Games) I just can’t get out of. I am tired all the time. I am irritable all the time. I constantly feel guilty about my misdeeds. I constantly worry about some horrible thing happening. How to cope with this unending stream of misery? I don’t know. I think it all comes back to sitting with uncertainty. OCD means always trying to have some certainty. Trying to obsess about everything so that we have some control. But as we well know, there is no certainty. Some days are better than others in the battle against my mind but others I am just stuck. Paralysed by me.