Uncertainty

I’ve been thinking a lot about uncertainty the past few days. I‘m sure you can tell from my last few posts that I’ve really been on a cleaning frenzy ( Robot McRobotface ; Agency and control) and I think it’s because it gives me some semblance of control in an uncertain world. I read an article a few days ago about how cleaning soothes the soul and makes us feel more in control. Well. I guess I’m not as complex as I thought I was. I’m just the same level of pedestrian complexity as everyone else. Anyway I’ve been cleaning a lot lately because I have been feeling really anxious. I don’t know about what. But I can’t shake this overwhelming anxiety. Usually exercise helps me to calm my nerves but due to various reasons (ahem I’m looking at you anxiety) I haven’t been able to exercise. It’s a vicious cycle. So instead I turn to cleaning. And soon I will turn to Marie Kondo and start decluttering my life ( Clutter clutter clutter) . But for now deep cleaning is giving me the relief I need. Or is it? I cleaned all my surfaces and lights and remotes etc. But I realised despite having just been cleaned, they are already dirty again. Because nothing is static. Bacteria and germs will return within one second. This is the nature of life. This constant moving. This constant uncertainty. Now is when I can try to sound really smart and talk about the theory of uncertainty but I know you’ve all watched Big Bang Theory too so why bother. But all this uncertainty reminded me of my favourite book ever written by the amazing Pema Chodron – When things Fall Apart. This book changed me. It made me realise that the only certainty in life is that there is no certainty so I better get used to the uncertainty. Of course this doesn’t make the uncertainty any easier but like Thanos it is inevitable. And so why fight it ? I can clean my remote control but the cleanliness of the remote is not static. Within an instant of it being clean it will be dirty again. Life keeps pressing on. The only thing I know is that I know nothing. I guess this is what practically inhaling all those bottles of Zoflora does to people.