So it turns out I do have a profound thought to share guys. Trigger warning: I’m going to talk about mental health and suicide, so either brace yourselves or turn away.
You all know how much I hate admin right? And how much I love The Tools? They are legit life changing. And I think the few people I have recommended the Tools to have found them pretty life changing too right? (Hi FD! I’m looking at you!). Anyway, I’m not going to lie, I’ve been struggling with my mental health for the past few weeks. Now listen, you all know I struggle with my mental health all the time, but this is a bit more acute. I don’t know what’s triggered this feeling of ennui, but I’m doing my best to deal with it. By doing my best, I mean I’m meditating a lot, trying to practice a bit of self compassion and kindness and just trying to understand why this is happening. But it’s hard. I feel really unsettled and worried. Almost like I’ve forgotten to pay a bill. But I don’t know which bill. And one day, I’ll get arrested for not paying this bill. So I’ve been like a crazy person, going through all my paperwork and admin to check – have I forgotten anything. And I really haven’t. Or at least I can’t discover what it. It’s stressing me out. I can’t sleep at night. I can’t think straight. Now the logical me knows that this is a function of my anxiety and OCD. But the me that is deep in this shit is properly losing it. I know what you’re thinking. Wow, you’ve attained enlightenment. You’ve realized that you’re the watcher. Just like Eckhart Tolle. No, dude. I wish. These are just my multiple personalities. So when I get like this, I turn to the Tools. In Coming Alive, the authors talk about Part X. We all have a Part X. Again, I’m not even going to try and summarize what they say, because I would never do it justice, but do us all a favour. Go and read the books. So we all know Anthony Bourdain right? He was a legend. And then he committed suicide. Out of the blue. And I read this article yesterday about how Anthony Bourdain was battling his Part X and lost. And what struck me about it all was that on the surface, he had an amazing life. And because he had an amazing and exciting life, he almost wasn’t allowed to divulge the fact that he was struggling. And then the worst happened and he committed suicide. Sometimes it feels like that for me. Like I have this amazing life. I’m married to the nicest guy in the world. Even though sometimes he is a legit Chump. I’ve got 2 really beautiful children. I have a career. I have friends and family who love me. I have everything anyone could ever ask for. And yet I struggle. Why? What do I have to struggle with? I don’t know. But that doesn’t mean I’m not struggling. Sometimes I feel guilty for struggling because it feels so indulgent to struggle when there is nothing to struggle against. And then I undermine my own feelings and tell myself I’m being a loser and first world problems and all that. But I think ultimately this is damaging. Not only to me. But to you too. I know mental health has become this really hot topic. Almost trendy. But it’s not something that only super talented Olympians and tennis players struggle with. Sometimes dumpy wannabee housewives struggle with mental health too. And if I don’t open up and say I’m struggling, then I think I’m being disingenuous and what’s the point of having a voice if we don’t use it? So there you have it. I’m struggling. I have no apparent reason to struggle. But I still am. Now listen, don’t call me. Don’t message me. I won’t pick up and I won’t respond. If you bother me, I will just get mad. And the last thing I need is to be sad and mad. It’s confusing.
