Agency and control

One of the hardest things about lockdown from my perspective was the complete loss of control. Yes a lot changed in our lives for the better but a lot was also a major struggle. You will all remember how hard we found home learning ( Home fracking learning;  Ennui, boredom, sadness and zoom doom; Chaos, stimulation, noise and chalk boards). The constant cooking and cleaning but for me the hardest thing was having all of my family home all the time. I am used to having my own time and space (Alone time for an introvert ; Peace and quiet in my kitchen sanctuary) Having my lovely kids at home and in my face is a huge struggle for me. I lost all control of my own life because suddenly parenting 24-7 controlled me. Kids are hungry, kids are fighting, kids are bored, kids are tired, kids made a mess. It was never ending. Parenting at the best of times is relentless but during lockdown it was merciless ( Parenting) . I am somebody who can’t think if things are in a mess. And the default state of lockdown was a constant state of mess. With kids it feels like we are on an uphill battle with mess. You clean it up and within a few minutes it’s back and somehow managed to double( Monotony, the dishwasher and crumbs).  Of course during lockdown I got over myself and just cleaned my house repeatedly. But when my cleaner was able to come back, I said a silent gratitude prayer and welcomed her back with open arms. The days that she cleaned the house were the days that I was happiest, calmest and at my most chilled out. But then I realised something – I had given up control to an external power. I wasn‘t happy unless my house was cleaned. I had given up all agency. And so I bought McRobotface ( Robot McRobotface) to regain some control. And that little guy has been a miracle for my sanity. But I realised I could go one step further and really regain all my agency. I could just take control and clean my house whenever I wanted. Why wait for the cleaner ? And so I did what any reasonable human being on the planet would do and I googled Mrs Hinch. I then went and bought a lifetime supply of Zoflora and white vinegar and other cleaning products that she recommended. My husband took one look at my plunder and matter of factly stated that I had spiralled and lost all control. There goes my illusion of control. I also made another investment. I bought a steam cleaner. I named him Ed Balls. And today Ed Balls, Zoflora and I got to work and cleaned the house from top to bottom. It was magnificent. And the house smells so good. The kids even noticed and that is saying something. I may have ceded control to Zoflora ( Uncertainty) and Ed Balls but at least I’m happy and calm.