I’m getting old

I’m getting old. I can feel it in my bones. I can feel it in my head. I can feel it in my eyes. But you know how I know for sure I’m getting old. Because I now like fruit cake and marmalade. Yeah that’s right. You heard me. If you know me personally, you know the one thing I have consistently hated over the years is raisins. Oh god, raisins. I can’t stand them. I have called them the devil’s food for as long as I can remember. Raisins are disgusting. They ruin perfectly good food. Why put raisins into cereal? Why put raisins into cookies? Why put raisins into carrot cake and apple pie? Why? Why put raisins into cous cous? Why put raisins into bread. I just don’t understand. Scones with raisins? I will never eat them. I would rather eat a whole head of raw broccoli (Covid, Brexit, Panic and and and) than I would even eat one measly raisin. Christmas was always the worst because suddenly raisins were everywhere. Minced pies, Christmas cake. Everywhere I turned, there they were. Like demonic little shriveled grapes.

But then something happened, around October of last year. The blessed year of 2019. When we were happy in our lives. Before the dawn of Covid. I bought these cinnamon and raisin bagels for Girl. Because she likes raisins. It defies all logic that she likes raisins, but since I am a good mum, I buy her raisins. Anyway, she ate like 3 of these bagels with strawberry jam and life was good. But then she didn’t want to eat the bagels anymore and I thought to myself “oh shit” who is going to eat these stupid bagels. Boy hates raisins as much as I do (because he is a good boy) and well Chump, being Chump refused to eat the bagels. I hate food waste and so I took one for the team and decided I would eat the bagels. I toasted one and slathered it with butter. And to my surprise, I didn’t keel over and die instantly. I wasn’t transported to hell. Actually the bagel was ok. It was surprisingly nice. I didn’t want to rush into anything though, because it may have just been a one off. But I found myself eating more and more things with raisin type things in there. Gails does a nice loaf with sour cherries and currants in it. Reader, I don’t discriminate against dried fruits. If I hate one dried fruit, I hate them all. I hate currants, I hate apricots. I hate dates. I hate dried fruits. And I refuse to eat them. But one day, Chump, during the middle of Lockdown 1.0, went to to Gails and bought their sour cherry loaf (https://old.gailsbread.co.uk/our-food/bread/sour-cherry-currant-sourdough/). I was f*cking livid. I mean here we were ordered to stay in our home and this Chump bought a f*cking loaf of bread with a glorified raisin in it? What the hell was I supposed to do? I didn’t want to go and buy another loaf of bread and risk getting the corona. So I suck it up and I ate it. Slathered in butter. Dunked in tea. It was good. I enjoyed it. Then around October 2020, I started really craving marmalade. Craving Christmas cake. As soon as I was able to buy a Christmas cake, I bought one. I made a cup of tea and had a slice of Christmas cake and then I bought a whole pack of minced pies and ate one every night. It was shocking. Chump was shocked. On Christmas day, we ate a Christmas pudding, covered in extra thick double cream. The only way I can explain it is that I am getting old. I have now turned into an old lady who enjoys typically old lady things, like Christmas pudding, minced pies and marmalade. With my glasses chain and now grey roots (thanks Lockdown 94.0) (Maintenance), I look like someone who enjoys Christmas cake and marmalade.

But listen, don’t worry too much. I’m still a martial artist. A bad one, but I can still kick most people in the head if I really wanted to (My week; Push ups and the Chump). Old people can’t be martial artists. Can they? And, I binged the whole of Season 3 of Cobra Kai in about 4 hours (Cobra Kai (TV Series 2018– ) – IMDb). Which means, I am actually a 13 year old boy at heart. Remember strike first, strike hard, no mercy.

If you like what you read, please subscribe and share!