ruminationsofyasmin.com

But Muuum

Oct 23, 2021

by Yasmin with No Comment Parenting

This is a looong post. It could be longer. I really restrained myself, so be grateful.

We just came back from a holiday in Crete. It was magnificent. Somehow we managed to understand the Covid rules and made it back in one piece. It was everything I didn’t even know I needed.

The thing about being on holiday though when you’re with your kids is that there is zero quiet. Zero chill. Zero space to think. Because the kids are always with you. They are always asking questions. Always wanting your attention. Which is right. Our kids are entitled to our love and affection and we should give it freely and without resentment. Buut, it’s not always that simple. Adults also need time to decompress. And when you are on holiday, you would think that would be the perfect time to decompress. You are away from the daily struggles of everyday life. If you’re in a hotel, as we were, someone else looked after us and fed us and cleaned our room and all the magnificent things that hotels do. But still, nobody can take the childcare responsibilities away from us. So, everyday, we would trundle to the beach or pool and spend the entirety of our time playing with the kids. It was lovely, but also exhausting. I think the kids were super happy and felt that all their buckets were filled. The kids would go to sleep really happy (at 10pm mind you!) and then Chump and I would read for a few minutes and then fall deeply asleep too. But it meant Chump and I didn’t really get a chance to talk to each other. And here’s why it matters.

On the plane ride there and back, we were travelling with quite a few families. Nuclear families. Mum, Dad and two kids. As we also are. And most planes don’t have rows of four seats. So in every single case, the mum would sit in between the two children in a row of 3 and the dad would sit in the aisle seat of the next row. As did we. And the dads were all sitting there, reading their books. And in Chump’s case, he had his headphones on too and was listening to music. All the mums were dealing with every demand of their children. Taking them to the toilet. Keeping them occupied. Giving them snacks. Etc. My kids were annoying the motherfracking shit out of me. Even though I was sitting in the middle, they still found the ability to non stop touch each other. Annoy each other. Fight about every little thing. And as I was sitting in the middle, I frequently got kicked and hit. Don’t judge my kids. They are just normal kids.

But you know that’s not even the most annoying thing. Because they are children and are therefore full of wonderment and curiosity, they asked a million questions about everything. And not sensible adult questions, but like childlike questions. You know the ones – what if someone is sitting in the toilet on a plane and then somehow a bird gets in and then the bird sits on their heads, what would happen to the pilot’s daughter in her home town 5000 miles away. Questions that don’t even make any logical sense. And because they are your children and you love them and you want to encourage their curiosity and you want them to talk to you and interact with you at all times, you actually have to take these questions seriously, rather than shrugging your shoulders and saying I don’t know. Or stop asking me stupid questions. Or what you really want to say is: would you just shut the fuck up! Of course, as a responsible loving parent, you can’t say that. So you come up with an answer and hope to God that’s the end of it. But then they do a follow up and so on and so forth, so that by the end of the flight, you are so frazzled and over stimulated. And all you want is quiet. And then you look over at the dads, sitting there in their aisle seat, reading their books and listening to music and you feel rage. Righteous rage. So when Chump then asks me an innocuous question, I then burst out and say, would you just shut the fuck up. And the poor guy looks at me absolutely bewildered. And instead of apologizing like I should, I continue my tirade and say, all you do is nag me. You’re just a fracking nag. And it’s not his fault. I’m displacing my frustrations on to him. And my god it feels so good. It’s not fair on him. But it’s motherhood. And I hate to make sweeping generalizations, because that’s a dickhead thing to do. But based on what I’ve observed, it’s almost always in most cases, the mothers doing the brunt of the childcare. And I’m sorry to all the dads out there who do childcare too. I’m not intending to insult you or diminish your contributions, but this is what I’ve simply observed with my own two eyes ok? But then I think wait a minute, Chump is a nice guy and he’s a great dad. He doesn’t just babysit his kids, he actually parents them. He’s involved, he’s loving. He does the hard work of parenting. And to be fair to him, he offered to sit in the middle of the kids. On both journeys. And I said to him, that’s really nice, but I doubt it’s going to work. And when we told the kids he was going to sit in between them, they both protested and said no. Mama has to sit with us. And it’s not because they don’t love him. Of course they love him.

You’re really cute and I really love you, but just shut the fuck up will you?

Here’s what I think. It all goes back to societal conditioning. I’m the primary parent. I also happen to be the mother. I’m the one the kids spend most of their time with because I work part time. If Chump was the primary parent, then the kids would have the same level of wanting him. But society has dictated that women should be the primary parent. Now of course this is a sweeping generalization and there are dads who are the primary parent. But this is not that common yet. Hopefully things are changing and more and more dads are able to do what they want. But here’s the thing. When I quit my law firm, it wasn’t because Chump said I had to. I made my own choice. It was too intense for me and I wanted to have babies. So I did and then I found a wonderful part time role that allows me to both work and still be the primary carer. Chump didn’t have the option 10 years ago to say that he wanted to quit his job and have babies. It just wasn’t an acceptable situation. He could have done it. He could have been an outlier, but it just wasn’t the norm. It was far more acceptable for me, a woman, to make that choice. So I can’t now look at Chump and think it’s not fair. He gets to chill and I have to do the parenting. He is as stuck in society’s definition of fatherhood and male gender norms as I am. I think things are changing and these concepts are becoming more and more fluid, which is great, but as things stood when we first had children, we only acted in a way that society told us was right. I have so many more things to say on this topic, but I’ve already rambled on a lot.

So to wrap up, I really shouldn’t snap at Chump, it’s not his fault. Sorry Chump. I secretly think you’re actually ok.

Hunger games?

Oct 12, 2021

by Yasmin with No Comment Parenting

Listen, Boy is at the age now where we have to start thinking about senior schools. I know it’s mental. He was a baby just yesterday wasn’t he? I guess not. Anyway, it’s making me miserable. And I know what you’re thinking. Why is it making me miserable? I’m not the one who has to get into school. He does. Yes I know. And I thank my lucky stars that when I was his age, I didn’t have a clue. I went to the school that was closest to my house and nobody had to think about anything. I was free to be a child. I was a stupid, lazy but very content child. And I am sad that my son is not afforded this chance to be a child. That this system that we live in is such that children compete for school places. It’s like the Hunger Games for schools. It boils my blood that my kid and by extension me, have to stress about exams and results and extra curriculars and is he well rounded enough and showing enough potential, will he do well in interviews. It’s absurd. He can’t just be a kid. He can’t just enjoy his childhood. I try to shield him from the stress of it all and keep the stress inside me. But I don’t have a great poker face. When I get stressed, everyone knows it. I show it off like a new pair of shoes. I have never in my life checked this kid’s homework because I don’t believe that I should have to. I know when I was a kid, my parents never knew anything about what I was doing at school. They didn’t know what homework I had and when it was due. They just let me get on with it. And if I didn’t, I got into trouble with my teachers. And if I got into trouble enough with my teachers, then I got into trouble with my parents. And believe me, I did not enjoy getting into trouble with anyone, so I did my homework. And I did a good job at it too. I was a good student. Not because anybody was making me, but because I wanted to do well. And if you know about a meritocratic society and getting an education with a capital E, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. So I worked hard man. I worked like a dog to be the best. And I think our parents had it right. They had minimal involvement in my education. So why do I know when Boy has homework and when it’s due? Why am I checking his homework? Why do I feel like it’s a personal insult to me if he spells a word wrong, or doesn’t have perfect grammar? I should really let him get on with it and deal with whatever consequences there are. Because, it’s the hunger games that’s why. Children are competing for places at school. And if they don’t do well and are impressive enough then they don’t get into the school that we want them to get into. And then does our world come crashing in? I don’t know. I don’t even want to think about it. But I’m genuinely miserable. I’m genuinely worried about my kid. I check his homework. I’ve become one of those parents. I make him practice piano everyday. Even though he doesn’t want to. I make him practice trumpet. Why does he need to play two instruments? I’ve lost the plot. I ask him questions about senior choir. Did he make it in? Is he in band? Does he want to play football? Does he want to play cricket. How about tennis? Do you want to do drama? Do you want to sing? DO YOU KNOW THE QUADRATIC EQUATION? What you don’t know the quadratic equation? Why not? Because you are only 9? Oh my god, do I have to teach you the quadratic equation? How am I going to make you more interesting? Smarter? More palatable to schools? Chump tells me to relax. I know I need to. So when I need to relax, I turn on Doja Cat and jam out to Streets. I jam out to Sofi Tukker and Gorgon City. And Boy, being the legend that he is, jams out with me. And then I realize I don’t need to do anything to him or for him, because he is just uniquely Boy. He is just perfectly Boy. And then I breathe easier, knowing that whatever happens, somehow, God willing, he’ll be ok. Because he is just perfectly himself.

What is this world?

Oct 1, 2021

by Yasmin with No Comment General Health and wellbeing

I think the thing that is upsetting me the most right now is the beautiful Sarah Everard. When the full horror of her abduction came to light, I was beyond shocked and upset. I can’t even begin to think how her family must be feeling. I haven’t been able to sleep at night. I worry about my safety. I worry about my kids’ safety. We are supposed to be able to trust people in power. People in uniform who are there to protect us. To think that her abduction was actually witnessed and nobody thought to say anything because they thought she was legitimately being arrested by a police officer is just downright upsetting. And I’m very bothered that now women are supposed to start resisting arrest and questioning police officers. Yes, please put the onus on us to make sure we don’t get abducted by disgusting pervert rapists. How is this supposed to make us feel? How does this make men who are just doing their legitimate jobs supposed to feel when every time they try to do legitimate police work, they get questioned. I’m in no way trying to make this about men, but does this undermine every single man who might actually be a nice guy? Are women just supposed to fear all men? What about poor Sabina Nessa? What women just can’t walk through the park anymore? I walk home at 10pm through a park some nights of the week to get home from tae kwon do. What should I do? Drive the five minute walk? I can’t even get fuel! Make Chump come and pick me up, therefore waking the kids up and getting them out of the house? Do I carry mace? Do I carry pepper spray? Do I just say a silent prayer before and after? I don’t understand this world.

Should I?

Aug 19, 2021

by Yasmin with 2 Comments Exercise General Health and wellbeing

One of the things that really irritates me about our world is the concept of “should”. And a special shout out to my dear friend FD for raising this subject with me. Our society is obsessed with “should”. We should be more productive. We should work more. We should spend time with our families. We should have hobbies. We should eat healthy. We should exercise. We should get 8 hours of sleep a night. Sometimes I feel like I’m running myself senseless with all these “shoulds”. I just want to be. I don’t want to live my life under constant obligation. Even if these obligations are actually sensible. Yes I know 8 hours of sleep is beneficial for my health. I know eating healthy is sensible. I know exercise is mandatory. I know all these things. But when they become an obligation on me, I begin to get stressed that I can’t keep up. Also somehow they become tied to morals and ethics. And why should any action have morals attached to it. Why am I a morally reprehensible person if I choose to eat KFC? I’m not. And it’s ridiculous. But that’s how it feels. If I don’t exercise and look after myself, it’s somehow tied to my worth as a person. If I don’t work hard, I’m lazy. That’s a moral judgment we’ve made. How has our society constructed itself like this? That decisions we make about the most basic things in life affect our self worth. So if I choose to watch an hour of netflix instead of writing my stupid book, I haven’t valued my time and done something positive with it. If instead of volunteering for a worthy cause, after a long day at work, I come home and crash on the sofa, I’m entitled and privileged and selfish. But what about what we actually want? I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately because you know I’m really worried about finding my Purpose. As if having a job that I love, a family that I love, friends that I love and hobbies that I love isn’t enough. But now I have to find a bloody purpose too. So I’ve been soul searching. Trying to figure out what I want to do. And you know what I realized? I want to do nothing. I want to just live my life. I don’t want to do anymore than I already do. It’s not that I’m lazy. Raising two kids and having a job is not lazy. It’s that I’ve been conned into thinking there’s more to life. That I’ve been put on this earth to do great things and if I don’t do them, then I’m not making God happy and I’m lazy. This word lazy – it’s the worst word in our language. I mean talk about pressure. I am so obsessed about not looking lazy that I start attaching morality to my actions and I bring in God. I don’t think God particularly cares about whether I’ve “fulfilled my purpose”. I think God cares about whether I am happy, whether I am loving and kind. Or at least that’s what I imagine God cares about. I really don’t know. I’m not that stupid and arrogant that I actually can profess to know anything about God. So I was scrolling through Facebook, which actually makes me ridiculously happy because it’s such a distraction from life, but has such a profound sense of guilt attached to it because it’s not productive, and I came across this article: Why the Idea of Laziness Is a Lie | Goop. I’m not even embedding it, because it’s such an important article to me that I want you to see the title. And listen, I know Goop is polarizing, but I’ve talked about Goop before and how life changing some of the things have been, so don’t be judgmental dickheads. Ok? Anyway, the point is, we are so full of shoulds, that we genuinely forget that we are allowed to enjoy this life that we’ve been given. We don’t constantly have to pursue the shoulds. We can just watch netflix, chill, eat Doritos and be happy. We still have to work. We still have to exist in this world and make sensible decisions. We’re not allowed to hurt people and do dickhead things. But do we have to imbue our lives with so much misery because we feel obligated? I don’t think so. And I think it’s especially hard for women to not feel pressure and obligations. I mean when you think about the concept of leaning in , it becomes almost impossible to chill. Again, you see we’ve tied in some form or morality to leaning in. Like we have to lean in. In order to meet our potential and fulfill our ambition. We’re never allowed to just be content with what we have. To choose the easier path because it makes us happy. It’s all the bloody shoulds. So what am I going to do about it all? Well for starters, today, I am going to lean in and just watch Valeria on Netflix.

Home sweet home

Aug 13, 2021

by Yasmin with No Comment Health and wellbeing

I’ve realized something. Home is beginning to feel like a prison to me. I went to the office for the first time this week in about 18 months. It was truly blissful. I met colleagues in person, got so much stuff done and it didn’t feel like a drag. Don’t get me wrong. I like working from home and I believe that when this is all over, we should still all have the ability to work from home. And I am productive from home too. But it all feels like effort from home. It began to feel stifling. Waking up and doing the same thing. Having no variation in my routine. Initially, when the pandemic first started, I thought working from home was the best thing ever. Suddenly we had time. We could exercise. Eat well. Spend time with our families. But now, all this time in, all of those things feel like a drag. I’m lucky. When the pandemic happened and Chump and I had to give up our gym memberships, we bought ourselves some home equipment. I am obsessed with my elliptical and used to regularly go to the gym and workout. We also invested in a Peloton. And initially, it was wonderful. We didn’t have to leave home to work out. How great. We could work a full day, workout and still spend time together as a family. We were saving so much money. We ate at home. Healthy meals that we cooked. How amazing! Long may this remain. I’ve been feeling all blah lately. Not really enjoying my workouts. Stopping them midway. Feeling generally unmotivated. And when I went to the office, it suddenly dawned on me. I’m feeling blah and listless because I’ve been trapped at home. Going into the office was revolutionary. I used my commute to read my book. I actually left my desk and had lunch. I didn’t have any stupid Zoom calls. I got dressed properly. Wore clothes I hadn’t worn in 2 years. Now I know you’re thinking – you can read your book at home too. No, when I’m at home, I objectively know what I should be doing. I should be reading, or exercising etc. But because I’m at home and there is no pressure, I end up watching tv, or scrolling on my phone. Kind of living purposelessly. As soon as I drop the kids to school or camp or whatever, I end up logging in to work. I don’t go out for lunch. I don’t even make my own lunch anymore. I’m so bored of eating at home, that I end up just eating crisps and some form of toast with peanut butter. I know I know. It’s all in my power. I should make a healthy lunch. I should do other things at lunch time. But it’s just such a drag. Whereas being in the office forces you to do things again. Because who wants to eat at their desk? I don’t. So I actually go out for a walk, get some Vitamin D and fresh air and make sensible eating choices. I also don’t have my entire kitchen at my disposal, so I don’t end up snacking on junk. I’m not saying I’m going to work from the office permanently. I think working from home is important and I think we should all have the option, not just parents and carers. But for me, I just wasn’t thriving at home all the time. I need to be out of my house. Right now, home isn’t a sanctuary. It’s a prison. And I want to feel like my home is a sanctuary again. And the only way to do that is to be away from it for a while.

I don’t know

Aug 9, 2021

by Yasmin with No Comment Parenting

So after my last post, my parents and Chump sat me down and we talked about my anxiety. My parents were adamant that they don’t compare me to my sister and they were proud of both of us. Blah Blah. Yeah I know. But talking to my parents always makes me feel better because they bring a perspective that I don’t always have. My dad dropped some wisdom from the mysticism of Islam and that always lifts my spirits. I know that I google everything and figure out all this stuff myself, but hearing it from my dad just gives it some extra credibility. I don’t know why that is. My mum dropped some love bombs on me and I always like that. Chump however, that ducking Chump, dropped some mean bombs on me. He told me I essentially had a big Ego (duh) and that I was only concerned with finding my purpose so that I could impress my parents. That it didn’t matter when I found my purpose, as long as I found it and if I tried to put a timeline on it, then my intentions were all wrong. I hate it when that guy is right. My dad also said the same thing, but he said it in a much gentler, mystical way and so, naturally, I preferred his delivery.

Anyway, it got me thinking – why am I floating so aimlessly in life? Well, I had an epiphany. It’s because now my kids are older. Don’t get me wrong. They are still young, but we are not in that intense early childhood phase where they physically need you. Now their needs are different. They are less demanding. They go to school and they have activities and they have friends etc. Their needs are a bit more psychological, than physical. And you would think this would give me relief because my god, early childhood is way too demanding. I was the type of mother who gave everything to my babies. I had no life. I had no friends. I had no hobbies. I was just so wrapped up in their lives and what they needed, that I completely neglected my own life. And now I find myself with time and I think, “oh shit, what am I supposed to do now?” It’s weird, because you would think this type of crisis would hit when my kids left home for university and Chump and I became empty nesters, but no, in true Yasmin fashion, I’m having my existential crisis a full decade early. So I’m trying to figure out what my life is about now. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still a devoted mother. I still adore my kids and would do anything for them, but I can’t fulfill all their needs anymore. Now they need to go an develop outside of my love. I guess you could almost say, it’s left me bereft. So, I’m trying to rebuild my own life. Get my own identity back. But what is my identity. If it’s not first and foremost wife and mother, then what is it? I don’t even know. But watch this space. It may or may not be magnificent.

Purpose

Aug 7, 2021

by Yasmin with No Comment General

I think one of the most harmful concepts to come out of life is the idea that we all have some great purpose. That we’ve been put on this earth to do something. I think this is a western concept (but don’t quote me on that) and that a lot of indigenous cultures think that we exist simply because we do. Again, don’t quote me on that, as I’m merely quoting from some facebook page that I saw. But still, it got me thinking. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to find our purpose and live these amazing meaningful lives. And more importantly, why haven’t I found my purpose yet? Does this mean I’m just living a meaningless, useless life? So, naturally, I internalize this and then get all freaked out that I haven’t found my purpose and I better bloody find my purpose otherwise my life will be pointless.

I am obsessed with my parents. Like I can’t live without talking to my parents 10 times a day. I’m bloody Forty. Which means my parents are in their late 70s. They are super sprightly and just downright awesome. But I know the day is coming when they just won’t be here anymore. I can’t deal with that day. I can’t deal with that concept. I can’t imagine a life where my parents aren’t around. It completely freaks me out and I just can’t deal. So I live in denial. But anyway, the reason I’m in such a rush to find my purpose is because I want my parents to be around when I do amazing things. Now I am a highly average person. There is absolutely nothing exceptional about me. But in my head, I’m a freaking genius who is going to do amazing things and change the world. So when is that going to happen? I’m also a believer in fate and that when the time is right for my purpose to be revealed, it will be. So in theory, I shouldn’t need to stress about these things. But you all know me. You all know I’m a huge ball of toxic anxiety. So telling me not to stress is like telling me not to breathe. I want to find my purpose so that my parents will be proud of me. Of course they’re proud of me already, but in a way that all parents are proud of their kids, you know? I haven’t really given them much else to be proud of in my achievements. Yes I’ve gotten married to a nice guy and I have kids, but those aren’t my achievements. I didn’t earn them. I have an older sister. And when I tell you my sister is amazing, it’s no exaggeration. And don’t misunderstand me. I am super proud of my sister. I can talk about her achievements all day long and in fact I do. But when people ask my parents how my sister is doing, they’ll say things like: Oh she’s just met the Queen (true story). And then when they ask how I’m doing, the response is: Oh Yasmin has headaches. Gee thanks Mom. Or: How is Sister? Oh she’s head of so and so department and has tons of people reporting to her (also true story). That’s great. How is Yasmin? Oh, she just figured out how to move her car from her parking spot in front of her house. Gawd Mom stop. And then the person looks over at me with a look of sheer pity in their eyes and says: well done on figuring out how to drive your car. To be fair to me, my parking spot IS super tight, but still. It’s non stop face palm moments if I’m being honest. So anyway, I’d really like to find my purpose asap, so that in my parents’ lifetime, they can see my true genius. They kind of know I’m a genius, because I always talk about what a genius I am, but I don’t think I’ve wowed them with my genius yet. And don’t say, maybe your purpose is to raise amazing kids. That’s a cop out. That makes me feel like a Handmaid. Ofchump. No thanks. Maybe if I was still on my partner trajectory at my old law firm, my parents would be able to say : Oh Yasmin? Yeah she’s bought her 7th house in the Bahamas. Rather than: Oh Yasmin, yeah she’s really excited about the new robot hoover and mop she just bought. Face palm. So, do you have any suggestions for my purpose? I’m serious. I need help.

And for the record, my parents are awesome. They never put any pressure on me. This is entirely self inflicted.

Are you an Aquarius

Aug 3, 2021

by Yasmin with No Comment Health and wellbeing Parenting

So the last post was really heavy. Thanks to everyone who respected my privacy. I know you were concerned, so I’m here to tell you – everything is ok. Please don’t worry. I feel like I need to explain a little bit. I talked about suicide. But it wasn’t to scare you about my own mental health. Yes, I am incredibly anxious right now, but the only reason I mentioned suicide was to make the point that Anthony Bourdain struggled with his mental health and maybe if he had opened up, things might have been different. I was also trying to make the point that no matter how privileged our lives look on the outside or how good things are, we may still struggle. So, I apologize if I scared you. I am anxious but ok.

I had a long conversation with my dad yesterday. He read my post and was understandably freaked out. When I explained the above to him, he relaxed. But he did point out that I was incredibly anxious. I agreed. And then he said something that completely floored me. He said “I’ve known you would be anxious from the day you were born, because you’re an Aquarius.” At which point, I cracked up. You need to understand the context. My dad is a legit scientist. So to hear him talk about star signs and astrology just came out of left field. But anyway, it piqued my interest, because I’m a serious narcissist and love to talk about myself and read about myself. So I looked it up. And it turns out Aquarius are prone to anxiety and in fact we don’t handle anxiety well at all and we get aggressive to people around us because we get so worked up. Sadly, it’s all true. Poor Chump. He’s my punching bag when I get worked up about something. Anyway, he knew what he was getting into when we got married, so whatever. Wanna check out your own star sign to see how you handle anxiety – https://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2017/09/this-is-how-each-zodiac-sign-behaves-when-they-have-an-anxiety-disorder/. There’s your link.

I was skeptical when my dad first mentioned the Zodiac, but after I read mine, I was impressed with how accurate it was. I’m still skeptical, but hey, the universe is a mysterious place, so who the hell knows. I then proceeded to check how each of my family members could handle anxiety based on their star signs and it got me thinking. Apparently, Boy can’t tolerate anxiety at all and neither can Girl and then I realized – this has nothing to do with their star signs. The reality is that if we possess brains, then we have mental health. And no human being on this planet has perfect mental health. The thing about being human is that we are subject to fluctuations in our mood on a daily basis. We never have perfect happiness. We will all go through periods of anxiety and sadness. Some more acute than others. It was interesting to talk to my dad yesterday because that generation is notorious for not talking about their mental health, but my dad opened up about how one of his friends committed suicide and how it shook him to his very core. And I think the point is that we need to be able to talk about these things. All of us. Without feeling like we are weak or vulnerable or that it makes us less than somehow.

Sometimes the kids will tell me they feel sad and I ask them why and they say they don’t know. I just hug them and tell them I love them and that I’m always here to listen. I don’t know if that helps them, but I hope to God that when they are older, they feel like they can talk to me. That they don’t clam up and keep things hidden inside of them. That’s my ultimate aim – to make this world better for my kids. To give them the safety of being able to have feelings and feeling secure in the knowledge that no matter what they feel or why, that they are ok. That somehow we will get through it together. And that nobody expects them to be happy all the time and that it’s not even normal to be happy all the time. So I have to set the example. I have to show them it’s ok to feel off sometimes and it’s ok to talk about it.

So, I apologize to anyone who was worried about me. I am genuinely ok. Yes, I am anxious and I’m jittery, but it’s ok. But if you’re not ok, that’s ok. I guess what my rambling is trying to say is that it’s ok to not be ok. It’s not embarrassing. It doesn’t make you weak. Talk to someone. A friend, family. A professional. Let’s not hide the fact that we have emotions and we feel things. We’re human. Sometimes we can feel sad for no reason, or for very good reason. It’s all ok. Let’s just not go through it alone.

This is my last post on mental health for now. I’m sorry if it’s all a bit heavy and deep. I’ll try to make the next post something ridiculous.

That’s so deep man

Aug 1, 2021

by Yasmin with No Comment Health and wellbeing

So it turns out I do have a profound thought to share guys. Trigger warning: I’m going to talk about mental health and suicide, so either brace yourselves or turn away.

You all know how much I hate admin right? And how much I love The Tools? They are legit life changing. And I think the few people I have recommended the Tools to have found them pretty life changing too right? (Hi FD! I’m looking at you!). Anyway, I’m not going to lie, I’ve been struggling with my mental health for the past few weeks. Now listen, you all know I struggle with my mental health all the time, but this is a bit more acute. I don’t know what’s triggered this feeling of ennui, but I’m doing my best to deal with it. By doing my best, I mean I’m meditating a lot, trying to practice a bit of self compassion and kindness and just trying to understand why this is happening. But it’s hard. I feel really unsettled and worried. Almost like I’ve forgotten to pay a bill. But I don’t know which bill. And one day, I’ll get arrested for not paying this bill. So I’ve been like a crazy person, going through all my paperwork and admin to check – have I forgotten anything. And I really haven’t. Or at least I can’t discover what it. It’s stressing me out. I can’t sleep at night. I can’t think straight. Now the logical me knows that this is a function of my anxiety and OCD. But the me that is deep in this shit is properly losing it. I know what you’re thinking. Wow, you’ve attained enlightenment. You’ve realized that you’re the watcher. Just like Eckhart Tolle. No, dude. I wish. These are just my multiple personalities. So when I get like this, I turn to the Tools. In Coming Alive, the authors talk about Part X. We all have a Part X. Again, I’m not even going to try and summarize what they say, because I would never do it justice, but do us all a favour. Go and read the books. So we all know Anthony Bourdain right? He was a legend. And then he committed suicide. Out of the blue. And I read this article yesterday about how Anthony Bourdain was battling his Part X and lost. And what struck me about it all was that on the surface, he had an amazing life. And because he had an amazing and exciting life, he almost wasn’t allowed to divulge the fact that he was struggling. And then the worst happened and he committed suicide. Sometimes it feels like that for me. Like I have this amazing life. I’m married to the nicest guy in the world. Even though sometimes he is a legit Chump. I’ve got 2 really beautiful children. I have a career. I have friends and family who love me. I have everything anyone could ever ask for. And yet I struggle. Why? What do I have to struggle with? I don’t know. But that doesn’t mean I’m not struggling. Sometimes I feel guilty for struggling because it feels so indulgent to struggle when there is nothing to struggle against. And then I undermine my own feelings and tell myself I’m being a loser and first world problems and all that. But I think ultimately this is damaging. Not only to me. But to you too. I know mental health has become this really hot topic. Almost trendy. But it’s not something that only super talented Olympians and tennis players struggle with. Sometimes dumpy wannabee housewives struggle with mental health too. And if I don’t open up and say I’m struggling, then I think I’m being disingenuous and what’s the point of having a voice if we don’t use it? So there you have it. I’m struggling. I have no apparent reason to struggle. But I still am. Now listen, don’t call me. Don’t message me. I won’t pick up and I won’t respond. If you bother me, I will just get mad. And the last thing I need is to be sad and mad. It’s confusing.

Life is boring

Jul 26, 2021

by Yasmin with No Comment General Parenting

So it’s the summer holidays. Which means there is like zero chill. What? Zero chill. Yes. Zero chill. Because my kids are home. Which means that from the moment they wake up until the moment they go to sleep, there is zero chill. And for some reason, my children have turned into feral animals who DON’T RESPECT BEDTIME. This is highly aggravating to me, because the second season of Never Have I Ever just dropped on Netflix and I just want to binge it. I need my Paxton fix. You know what I’m talking about you pervs. But look, you don’t need to feel that guilty about perving on him, because he’s actually 30 years old. So we’re not legit cougars, just semi cougars. Relieved right? Don’t know what I’m talking about? Drop everything you are doing right now and get onto Netflix and go and watch Never Have I Ever. Go and get your Paxton fix. I won’t tell. So anyway, aside from trying desperately to just binge watch Netflix, life has been pretty dull. As usual, I have these half baked thoughts on feminism, parenting, Covid that literally go nowhere. Every now and then I will let Chump into my inner world and share some thoughts with him and then just fall silent again. He looks at me a bit bewildered because what seem like profound thoughts to me are actually just thoughts. We went to York last week. It’s so beautiful there and we lucked out because we had that creepy heatwave that made the entire country miserable. But we were staying in a hotel, so we had air conditioning! Haha. What a victory. And we went to the seaside and actually enjoyed the freezing cold waters of the North Sea. Oh god, I’ve turned really truly British. Now I enjoy cold water. No more Indian ocean temperatures for me. See even this blog post is just a bit rambling and pointless. It’s because there is zero chill. The kids are at camp this week which is great because they love it, and I really just need some peace and quiet. But my day is punctuated by the pick ups and the drops offs, the gazillion loads of laundry, the general boringness of endless admin, the tyranny of what to cook for dinner again. Why does dinner just roll around everyday? Why can’t we just eat cereal everyday? Or toast? Anyway, now you see the mood I’m in. So with that my friends, I bid you all farewell. If I have a genuinely profound thought, I’ll come and share it, but for now, enjoy your summers and see you in September, when there might be some chill.