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Errand Paralysis

Ever have that feeling that the admin in your life might kill you ? This never ending dread of what’s lurking in your to do list ? Apparently it’s a thing and it’s called errand paralysis. Well my friends, I am a proud member of the errand paralysis club. I know it’s all first world problems but modern life is hard ( First World Problems; Addiction) Everything takes time and everything is tedious. I think Covid has just accentuated an already ridiculous amount of admin. I called my bank the other day and didn’t even get through because apparently they are only serving their most vulnerable customers. It’s like dude – the worst of the pandemic is over, just pick up the phone. Calling my credit card provider for an issue last week took 33 minutes and it was the most soul destroying conversation. I dread admin. It’s unpleasant. It’s boring. So I put it off and then it just adds up and up and up until I am drowning in admin and can’t take the stress anymore.

Today, the day before school starts, I have finally pulled my finger out and brought out my child’s pencil case to see what he needs. My table is full of half sharpened pencils and broken rulers. My god I am in hell. Not only that, I have to label each piece of stationary. Oh the horror ( Parenting) . I am already on my third coffee of the day. Maybe Pret’s subscription service doesn’t sound so bad after all. In reality I just prefer the days I am working in my day job because on those days my mind is free from clutter and admin. I can just focus on the bliss of what I know. What I spent years studying and practising. But whenever the errand paralysis sets in I turn to my trusted adviser for everything in life- Gwyneth Paltrow. Don‘t laugh. Don’t condescend and don’t judge me. She is awesome and I love her. She has changed my life in so many ways (French Girl Organics anyone ?) but the most noticeable way was with The Tools by Barry Michaels and Phil Schultz. You guys. Game changer. Look it up. Now I just use The Reversal of Desire Tool and I just get my sh*t done. Admin be gone. I won’t explain the tool in detail because i could never do it justice but for anybody who knows me and knows how much I hate admin, this has been a life changer. I have been putting off cleaning my oven for about 8 years and finally on Friday I just did it and I have never been happier. I know it’s sad. I’m sad. But my friend Mrs Keanu saw my oven and bit the bullet and cleaned her oven yesterday. I can’t vouch for how she feels, but I feel all warm and glowy. Conquering the world, one oven at a time.

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Cycling

Yesterday the Chump ( Push ups and the Chump)  and I went for a long bike ride with a friend ASK. We rode about 30km which for me is insane. Chump and ASK do this cycle regularly and weren’t phased by the distance or the never ending hills. I feel a bit conned by Chump because he sold this ride to me as a gentle flat cycle. I could have gone to Dishoom ( Sunday morning chai and omelettes) for breakfast but enthused by Chump’s description of this “gentle cycle” I skipped my breakfast plans. Well. Allow me to tell you that this was no gentle flat cycle. Just getting to the park of our choosing involved what my husband described as a gentle hill that’s a bit long, but totally manageable. Chump. That hill was never ending and it broke me. Then we reached the park that we were meant to cycle around. I was broken and exhausted. I could already feel my quads cramping up. Poor ASK had to cycle behind me and even though he kept insisting it was fine, I felt so bad for him. He was out for a real ride with his buddy and instead he got lumbered with me. I should mention that ASK and I train regularly together in tae Kwon do so he knows I’m not entirely useless. Just a little bit useless. Chump and ASK do that ride in about 2 hours and it took me 4 hours. At some point ASK left us to it and dashed home and me and Chump struggled for the next 1.5 hours with the park. Which again Chump described as really gentle and really flat. It was only when we got there and he admitted that there were some hills that he used to have to walk up. I walked up them all. I cried, I prayed. Finally we got home and I crashed on the sofa. I switched the TV on and put it straight onto Tour de France and proceeded to give my now expert commentary on how they should tackle those hills. I cried some more because my legs were like jelly. I smothered the entirety of my legs in deep heat, took two baths, tried to distract myself from the pain with a Tom Hardy movie, made both the kids give me massages and finally at 930pm gave in and went to bed. I complained so much to Chump who was initially very supportive but after the third application of deep heat told me to “get over it already“. Chump. I slept miserably but today, I feel great. I’m ready for the next ride. Come on Chump. I’ll race you.

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Grief

We have lost so many people to so many different things and it’s part of life as a human to bear loss. When a celebrity passes away, we always think oh that’s sad, but then quickly move on because well we didn’t know them personally. Today though, I feel genuine heartbreak at the loss of the Black Panther. We genuinely love the Marvel movies in our household and Black Panther was no exception. I don’t know what the point of this post is. I’m not proposing to get philosophical about life and death because it’s all too much for a Saturday morning but all we can say when death befalls is unto Him we belong and unto Him we return. Rest in peace Black Panther.

Marus Bhajias

he last post was pretty heavy so today I am lightening the vibe up with a recipe. I am lightening it up metaphorically because these bad boy bhajias are anything but light. They are delicious little parcels of deep fried carby goodness. What are bhajias I hear you ask ? Good question. Bhajias are a little deep fried Indian fritter. You can deep fry anything you want. Last week I deep fried some black eyed beans. Those are a legit Indian snack. I didn’t go rogue. Today I deep fried potatoes, which are also a legit Indian snack but I did go rogue a bit because I decided to add in some aubergine. Aubergines make everything better. But of course if you are one of those weirdos who don’t like aubergine then don’t add them. Why are these called Marus bhajias I hear you ask. Another good question. My goodness you are on a roll today. Well the honest answer is I don’t know. I suspect it has something to do with back home, which to us means East Africa and how or who they were made by in East Africa. When something tastes this good, you just stop caring about what they are called and you just start caring about how many you can shove down your gob. My kids love this. Who wouldn’t? It’s deep fried goodness after all. These are easy to make but they are a bit labour intensive because you do have to fry them. But they are totally worth it. I also make my life a lot easier by slicing my potatoes and aubergines with a mandolin rather than a knife. If you do use a mandolin please be careful with your fingers. It’s deep fried potatoes. Not deep fried fingers. So here is the recipe for an instant serotonin rush.

You will need :

2 small potatoes, not peeled and sliced thinly

half an aubergine, sliced thinly

one cup of gram flour (chickpea flour)

one teaspoon of minced garlic

a handful of chopped coriander

1/4 teaspoon of turmeric

enough water to make a paste – think like paper mache

salt to taste

oil to fry in

now of course you can add chilli if you want. I’ve also made these with courgettes, thinly sliced florets of broccoli, kale. You are limited by your own creativity here.

Step 1: put your thinly sliced veg into a big bowl

step 2: add a cup of gram flour, salt, the coriander, turmeric and garlic and mix. Now add the water. You want enough to make a nice workable batter.

step 3: heat the oil in a wok or a large frying pan. You are deep frying so you need enough oil. You want the oil to be really hot. I’m not technical enough to tell you the exact temp but you’ll know when it’s hot enough.

step 4: start frying your bhajias. Don’t just put clumps of bhajias in. Try to separate out each piece of potato and don’t crowd your pan. Let the Bhajias get nice and golden brown and a bit crispy. Take them out and put them on a plate lined with some kitchen towel. Sprinkle with some sea salt.

These are normally served with some tamarind sauce and some coriander and chilli chutney.

step 5: this step is mandatory. Do not skip this step. Feel like an accomplished human being. These Bhajias are a massive achievement.

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Guilt, anxiety and other such pleasantries

Warning – this post is about mental health or lack thereof.

Some of my more astute readers may have picked up on some rather obsessive tendencies in my posts. Welcome to the weird and horrible world of obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD as it‘s frequently referred to. Yes that’s right. I have OCD. Which means my brain is constantly switched on trying to find something to obsess about and make me feel guilty or worried about. This manifests itself as extreme anxiety which often renders me completely debilitated and exhausted. My mind fixates on something and I need relief. Relief may come in the form of the obsessive cleaning ( Robot McRobotfaceAgency and control ; Clutter clutter clutter ; Uncertainty) over the top cooking, reading everything in sight, extreme exercising, finding things to do to keep myself occupied etc. I cannot have a minute spare otherwise I spiral into a stream of negative thoughts ( You Phoney Impostor; Addiction; Mind Games) I just can’t get out of. I am tired all the time. I am irritable all the time. I constantly feel guilty about my misdeeds. I constantly worry about some horrible thing happening. How to cope with this unending stream of misery? I don’t know. I think it all comes back to sitting with uncertainty. OCD means always trying to have some certainty. Trying to obsess about everything so that we have some control. But as we well know, there is no certainty. Some days are better than others in the battle against my mind but others I am just stuck. Paralysed by me.

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Clutter clutter clutter

I have discovered the life changing power of tidying up. I always used to shy away from decluttering well because it’s horrible to do. It’s boring and it lays bare our shopaholic ( Shopping ) and hoarding tendencies (  Addiction; First World Problems). When you are in the thick of early childhood parenting ( Parenting) and building your career Working Mothers) and all the other obligations that come with adulthood ( Errand Paralysis), there is just no time left for anything else. There is no gas left in the tank and there is nothing left of us. We just live in the clutter because frankly it’s easier and who has the mental energy to undertake that mammoth task? Well lockdown gave us a bit of headspace from the constant running around and my kids are getting older. Parenting is still parenting but it’s not as intense as it used to be. Now I actually have a few moments of space and calm. I have temporarily suspended my normal routine for the summer so that I can focus on getting my house right. You know what they say right – clean house, clean mind. Well I think that’s true. So in order to get my mind in peak condition I have started decluttering my home and who better to guide me in this than Marie Kondo? And let me tell you, it has been life changing. Yes it’s time consuming. It’s not boring though. It is upsetting however to see just how much we have accumulated in our lives. And why ? Because we thought we needed it. But it turns out we don’t need as much as we think do. How upsetting to have our hoarding mentality and our vast empty consumerism brought to the fore. Well now that we know, we don’t need to make the same mistakes. I have Marie Kondo’d all my drawers and my goodness they are a thing of beauty now. I could look at them all day long. Now my drawers spark joy whereas before they sparked dread. It’s true. Tidying up is life changing.

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Uncertainty

I’ve been thinking a lot about uncertainty the past few days. I‘m sure you can tell from my last few posts that I’ve really been on a cleaning frenzy ( Robot McRobotface ; Agency and control) and I think it’s because it gives me some semblance of control in an uncertain world. I read an article a few days ago about how cleaning soothes the soul and makes us feel more in control. Well. I guess I’m not as complex as I thought I was. I’m just the same level of pedestrian complexity as everyone else. Anyway I’ve been cleaning a lot lately because I have been feeling really anxious. I don’t know about what. But I can’t shake this overwhelming anxiety. Usually exercise helps me to calm my nerves but due to various reasons (ahem I’m looking at you anxiety) I haven’t been able to exercise. It’s a vicious cycle. So instead I turn to cleaning. And soon I will turn to Marie Kondo and start decluttering my life ( Clutter clutter clutter) . But for now deep cleaning is giving me the relief I need. Or is it? I cleaned all my surfaces and lights and remotes etc. But I realised despite having just been cleaned, they are already dirty again. Because nothing is static. Bacteria and germs will return within one second. This is the nature of life. This constant moving. This constant uncertainty. Now is when I can try to sound really smart and talk about the theory of uncertainty but I know you’ve all watched Big Bang Theory too so why bother. But all this uncertainty reminded me of my favourite book ever written by the amazing Pema Chodron – When things Fall Apart. This book changed me. It made me realise that the only certainty in life is that there is no certainty so I better get used to the uncertainty. Of course this doesn’t make the uncertainty any easier but like Thanos it is inevitable. And so why fight it ? I can clean my remote control but the cleanliness of the remote is not static. Within an instant of it being clean it will be dirty again. Life keeps pressing on. The only thing I know is that I know nothing. I guess this is what practically inhaling all those bottles of Zoflora does to people.

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Agency and control

One of the hardest things about lockdown from my perspective was the complete loss of control. Yes a lot changed in our lives for the better but a lot was also a major struggle. You will all remember how hard we found home learning ( Home fracking learning;  Ennui, boredom, sadness and zoom doom; Chaos, stimulation, noise and chalk boards). The constant cooking and cleaning but for me the hardest thing was having all of my family home all the time. I am used to having my own time and space (Alone time for an introvert ; Peace and quiet in my kitchen sanctuary) Having my lovely kids at home and in my face is a huge struggle for me. I lost all control of my own life because suddenly parenting 24-7 controlled me. Kids are hungry, kids are fighting, kids are bored, kids are tired, kids made a mess. It was never ending. Parenting at the best of times is relentless but during lockdown it was merciless ( Parenting) . I am somebody who can’t think if things are in a mess. And the default state of lockdown was a constant state of mess. With kids it feels like we are on an uphill battle with mess. You clean it up and within a few minutes it’s back and somehow managed to double( Monotony, the dishwasher and crumbs).  Of course during lockdown I got over myself and just cleaned my house repeatedly. But when my cleaner was able to come back, I said a silent gratitude prayer and welcomed her back with open arms. The days that she cleaned the house were the days that I was happiest, calmest and at my most chilled out. But then I realised something – I had given up control to an external power. I wasn‘t happy unless my house was cleaned. I had given up all agency. And so I bought McRobotface ( Robot McRobotface) to regain some control. And that little guy has been a miracle for my sanity. But I realised I could go one step further and really regain all my agency. I could just take control and clean my house whenever I wanted. Why wait for the cleaner ? And so I did what any reasonable human being on the planet would do and I googled Mrs Hinch. I then went and bought a lifetime supply of Zoflora and white vinegar and other cleaning products that she recommended. My husband took one look at my plunder and matter of factly stated that I had spiralled and lost all control. There goes my illusion of control. I also made another investment. I bought a steam cleaner. I named him Ed Balls. And today Ed Balls, Zoflora and I got to work and cleaned the house from top to bottom. It was magnificent. And the house smells so good. The kids even noticed and that is saying something. I may have ceded control to Zoflora ( Uncertainty) and Ed Balls but at least I’m happy and calm.

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Robot McRobotface

Guys. I did it. I took the plunge. I bought a robot hoover. You all know my unfortunate obsession with crumbs ( Monotony, the dishwasher and crumbs) so this was an inevitable move. Upon unboxing my robot said to me – I am inevitable. Yes Thanos. Ok. Point accepted. But my robot is so special that it also mops. Hate mopping? Me too! It all feels so pointless. You sweep up all the crumbs, mop the floor and it all happens again two hours later when the animals want their lunch. Or millionth snack of the day. Sweeping and mopping became such emotional torture for me. I‘ve long toyed with the idea of getting a robot hoover but as I live with two small children who collect rubbish as though their lives depend on it and then proceed to dump their rubbish all over my house, I thought the robot hoover might see my floors and have an existential crisis. And that’s my crisis. Get your own crisis robot. You know when you ask the kids to clean up their toys or do any sort of tidying it’s as though you’ve murdered someone and deserve to be chucked into jail. Which is what my house feels like most days. Anyway I digress. My good friend M (hi M!) waxed lyrical about her robot hoover and prevailed upon me with her good sense. So I did it. I bit the bullet. It turns out that having a robot hoover makes me more tidy because I actually have to pick up all the clutter lying around the floor. This in itself makes me feel better. I’ve named my robot Robot McRobotface. I’ve had McRobotface for two days. The children live in fear of the mighty Robot and don;t dare to leave rogue Lego pieces around. It’s been worth it just for that. Is McRobotface perfect? No of course not. I am following it around and I still see some crumbs under the table. This annoys me. But I think I need to rearrange the chairs to make life a little bit easier for McRobotface. I think me and McRobotface have some work to do together but I suspect it will become as beloved to me as one of my own flesh and blood babies. Except this will be a robot baby. As long as I have clean floors I don’t care.

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Rotlis

Growing up in a Gujarati household, rotlis were an integral part of my childhood. I have memories of my grandmother making rotlis every afternoon in the long hot summers and smothering them with butter as soon as they were out of the frying pan. We would then come and grab them fresh and hot and sprinkle sugar or spread jam and roll them up like little Indian burritos. My mother would make them after work and we would help her to roll them and then cook them. We would wait for them to “fulelIi” which essentially means for them to puff up. And then we knew they would be good. Eating rotlis is just synonymous with my childhood and I think of most of the childhoods of my Gujarati peers. Our mothers, grandmothers and aunts rolling rotlis. It’s a classic vision for most of us. For me rotlis denote love. Because they are made with effort. They take time. But if you get to eat fresh rotlis, you know you are loved. For the past few years as life has gotten more hectic and the lure of convenience is more and more tempting, our mothers and aunts have bought their rotlis from little shops. And they are satisfying and fine. But I often felt sad that my children wouldn’t know a classic Gujarati childhood of watching your mum and grandmas (or male relative! Hello we are all about gender equality here) make rotlis and waiting for them to be done so you can roll them up with honey (my kids choice of sugar overdose). But lockdown took us to new heights of necessity and now we all make our rotlis. My kids see me rolling them, “sukeli-ing” (grilling them) and then buttering them generously. And now they eat them by the pile. My son loves them with salted butter and honey and my daughter loves them with jam. This makes me really happy. I think they feel my love. And I feel happy that my babies are growing up the same traditions that we all did.

I’m not giving you a recipe for rotlis today. Can’t be bothered to type it all out. I’m just being philosophical. But I will give you a recipe soon.