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Shopping

by with No Comment BeautyHealth and wellbeing

So during lockdown part 1, I cleared out my wardrobes, Marie Kondo’d  ( Clutter clutter clutter) my life and lamented on the materialism and consumerism ( First World Problems) that overtook my life. No more I vowed to myself. No more buying things I don’t need. No more empty spending and accumulating. It’s time for my soul to shine. Haha. What. A. Joke. Lockdown 2.0 is here and all I can think about is shopping. I want boots. I want jeans. I want jumpers. I need dresses. How will I survive if I can’t buy dresses? Must buy dresses. Immediately. I can’t be stopped. Lockdown won’t stop me. Now the reason why this is doubly hilarious is because I am not going anywhere. I work from home. And I live in leggings. What on Earth do I need dresses for? But the messed up heart wants what the heart wants and dresses it wants so dresses it shall have. I just know that in a year those dresses will end up relegated to the back corner of a wardrobe never to see the light of day again. But as long as I am happy now who cares ? Oh life is so weird. We can never crack the code of true happiness. Instinctively I know I don’t need anything. I just need to sit down and be quiet and let the thoughts come and go ( Uncertainty) and eventually the overwhelming desire to consume and fill the hole caused by anxiety and uncertainty will be filled with silence and acceptance. If only I could shut my ego up long enough to get to that stage. Until then I will browse online and hope to God that I forget my credit card numbers. Wish me luck.

 

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Managing Or Not

by with No Comment GeneralHealth and wellbeingParenting

I’m not going to lie. This week has been tough. With lockdown 2.0 looming I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I have shit to do. Shit to buy. I am exhausted from all the shit. There I said it. The thing that exhausts me the most though is all the planning, all the logistics (Errand Paralysis ). The picking and dropping of kids to school and activities. The snacks, the lunches, the uniforms ( Parenting). Checking the weather. Getting rained on. Dealing with screaming, hungry, tired kids in the rain. It’s all just so shitty. I have become a diary manager for what feels like the most busy, popular kids in the world. I am constantly time managing. And if you know me this is a massive joke being played on me by the universe. I suck at time management. I am disorganised. I get bored of details. I am an ideas person. I don’t care about the details. I would like to hire someone to take care of the details. I don’t remember being hired by anyone to manage my kids’ diaries or my husband’s diary. How did this happen to me? Why am I being bogged down in boring details all the time? I just want to be unaware of the pressures of time, not think oh gosh it’s 240 – better pick up child 1. The universe is probably laughing it’s ass off at me because this is proper punishment for me. I know how to torture Yasmin. Let’s make her think and plan and organise. Bahahah. I quit. I quit as diary manager. I’m actually looking forward to this infernal lockdown to get a bit of rest from diary management. I am going to stay in my pajamas all day long and delegate parenting to someone else. Sorry Chump. You’re up.

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Lockdown Stupid Weight Gain

by with No Comment ExerciseFoodHealth and wellbeingParenting

Right friends. I am in a bad mood today. I just read this article in the Guardian about these people who lost a ton of weight during lockdown. They discovered exercise ! They discovered vegetables ! They discovered no commute ! They discovered free time ! Good on them. I’m glad people got healthier and fitter. But it made me mad. You know why ? Because during lockdown I put on weight ( Big Fat Rain. ) Yes I know what you’re thinking. It’s your own fault for eating Doritos. Yes I agree. I should have had the discipline and the better judgment. Consider me suitably chastised. I have given up the Dorito habit. Ok happy ? No more Doritos for me. Now look. I know I have everything to be grateful for. I am in good health, I have a job, I have family and friends. All I can say in response to all these blessings is thank god. But during lockdown there was no downtime ( Alone time for an introvert; Parenting). There was no quiet. There was no space. My lack of commute meant that I worked longer or that I dealt with the kids. I also became a full time teacher, cook and housekeeper ( Robot McRobotface). Whatever. This is my privilege as a mother. But what I feel put out by is the constant advertising of junk food. I mean we don’t stand a chance. I walk by a supermarket every morning on the school run and I am bombarded by images of Doritos and chocolate. I can smell the pumpkin spice lattes from the coffee shops. I see flaky pastries. We are only human. Our teeny tiny little brains can’t withstand the onslaught of advertising geniuses who pray on our weaknesses. I love vegetables ( Aubergine; Roast cauliflower, feta and harissa tray bake; Healthy and easy grapefruit salad recipe). I love lentils. Why don’t the supermarkets have those front and center of the shops? When you’re having a bad day you’re not going to reach for a head of cauliflower or a bag of brussels sprouts to munch. We have to change these habits. But how ? Sugar is bad. we all know it. Now how to live it? How do we undo a lifetime of advertising aimed at reducing us to sugar fiends ?

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Auditory Assault

by with No Comment Parenting

It’s day 2 of half term. My ears hurt. My mind is about to explode. Listening to their voices is now causing my ears to cringe. How do ears even cringe ? How is this possible? I know I am being dramatic but I am looking at Chump and he looks like his head has already imploded. He has a vacant look in his eyes and is in downright denial about our life choices. It’s going to be a long two weeks. That’s all I have to say for now. Check back in with me in two weeks to see if I am still alive and whether Chump has checked back into this life. Ok bye.

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First World Problems

by with No Comment GeneralHealth and wellbeing

Warning- this is a first world problems post. Yes I know- the entitlement, the privilege. I know it all. You don’t have to tell me.

But. I am in the market for a new laptop. For roughly the past decade, I have not needed a personal laptop. My iphone has pretty much been enough for me. Sometimes I use a tablet too. But I am a committed technophobe. Technology scares me. I don’t know how to use it and sometimes I think it is for the best, because I already have a pretty addictive personality and so if I really cracked how to use tech, I’m sure there would be no relief for my little mind ( Addiction.) Anyway, lockdown really highlighted the fact that we need a new laptop. The kids needed it for their home learning, doing zoom calls on the phone and tablet is a pain and we simply need a laptop to consider ourselves functioning adults ( Home fracking learning;  Ennui, boredom, sadness and zoom doom).  I have long resisted buying devices for the kids, because the more we can avoid getting them addicted, the better. If we only have one functioning iPad, well, then they have to learn to share with each other, but more importantly, I always keep it uncharged so that I can say, oh sorry, there’s no battery. Yes I know this screws me a bit too, but it’s fine. I can cope.

I have a real mental block when it comes to understanding technology. I went on to the Curry’s website thinking I could do some research on what I want and I honest to God could not understand a word of the description. There are literally thousands of different devices I could choose from. I typed in Microsoft because I am a dinosaur and that’s what I know and there were no joke around 50 different Surfaces I could choose from. How am I meant to know what to get. The choice is overwhelming. Surface Pro. Surface laptop. Surface Go. The list goes on. This is not even taking into account other makes. My brain got so overwhelmed. I gave up. This is modern life. So many choices. So many decisions. So many things to consider. So many things to get wrong. It is no wonder we are all paralysed by every thing ( Clutter clutter clutter; Errand Paralysis). How can we ever know we are making the right choice. Now I know this is a first world problem. I am so lucky I can buy a laptop and I have choices. But sometimes having these choices can feel debilitating. I just want a laptop that works. I don’t know what I need it for. I don’t know what I want to do with it. What is the difference between i7 and i5. Do I need to edit videos and photos? Well not right now, but my kids may want to in 3 years. I don’t want to buy another laptop in 3 years because the one I bought now is not up to scratch.

I read a blog the other day about how modern motherhood is so frustrating and one of the reasons is because of consumerism. We have so many things and we always feel the need to have more. It has been wired into us. But this consumerism hurts our souls and makes us feel less connected and grounded. Buying a laptop has just brought this into sharp focus because I am simply overwhelmed by what I can have even if I don’t need it. As a person who lives in the world, I am not immune to wanting new shiny things. How do we wade through all this choice that on the surface seems so wonderful but in reality is harming our souls without turning us into some socialist society that mandates that we all have the same things? I don’t know. I just want a new laptop for crying out loud.

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You Phoney Impostor

by with No Comment ExerciseGeneralHealth and wellbeing

This is what my mind tells me on the daily. And it’s not even true! Rationally I know this. But the mind is hardly rational. I was having a chat with my one of my closest friends L and we got to talking about impostor syndrome because it’s something we both suffer from. But here’s the thing – impostor syndrome mostly affects women. Why? Why are our brains so hardwired against us that we have to feel like frauds all the time? I am a qualified professional and I’ve been working in my chosen profession for a long time. I am objectively good at my job. And yet I doubt myself constantly ( Mind Games; Working Mothers). I worry that they will find out I have no clue what I am talking about. I feel like an impostor in tae Kwon do. I can’t believe they’ve let me grade and awarded me belts based on my performance. Don’t they know I suck ? it’s so sad to be constantly riddled with doubt. I was talking to Mrs. Keanu a few weeks ago and she said that all women feel like they have impostor syndrome. My heart broke. What a world we live in. No matter how good we are and how hard we work we always feel like we are falling short ( The price of being female;  Mom jeans) When I look at Chump and other men I know it’s not even a question that they are good enough, that they are qualified and even if they aren’t, who cares. They will learn and figure it out as they go along. Some studies suggest it’s because of systemic oppression and corporate culture. Maybe it is. I don’t know. I think it comes down to the soft skills that women are supposed to have and that men don’t. Women are expected to be people oriented, remember birthdays etc. Men aren’t expected to do that. Men are expected to get on with the work. It is living with this constant feeling that we don’t have the skills to do the work because we are just women. We can’t be good at anything of substance because we are good at the soft stuff. We buy into these stereotypes and don’t feel as confident. Maybe it’s just me and L that feel this way and we need to have a massive kick up the ass to get over it but I suspect more women feel this way and just haven’t articulated the sentiment. Either way it sucks.

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Mind Games

by with No Comment ExerciseHealth and wellbeing

Ever have days when you just feel like your mind is sabotaging you? That you are just constantly struggling with that horrible inner voice that is just downright mean that is constantly telling you just how much you suck at life ? Me too ! On the daily. You know what really bothers me about this ? My mind is supposed to be on my side. I mean it is MY mind after all. It doesn‘t belong to my enemy, so why is it being such a giant pain in my ass? Anyway as you all know I do tae Kwon do. I love it. I started it late in life and so I have no ambitions other than to just enjoy my training and get a black belt. I am not good. I am just improving from a natural state of badness. But it’s fine. I enjoy it. I like seeing how the body can learn new things. But then the injuries started and the doubt crept in. What am I doing? why am I doing this? I’m old. I’ll never be good. This is ridiculous. You look ridiculous. You look like a giant Dorito ( Big Fat Rain). Go and eat Doritos. Just give up. Doritos are good. Go and buy Doritos right now. It is a struggle to haul my ass to class every week and when I do get there I am just filled with such negativity and doubt that I can’t do anything. It is as if I am paralysed ( Guilt, anxiety and other such pleasantries). My legs just don’t work and I feel clumsy and malcoordinated. I feel weak and silly. It’s horrible. I hate my mind. But I think I have a solution. I think I need to make friends with my shadow. What’s your shadow I hear you ask. Well the way I understand it, the shadow is the deepest, darkest part of you that you feel embarrassed about and are ashamed of. But when you make friends with your shadow, you accept this part of yourself and it helps to overcome your mental blocks. So if my real friends don’t see me for a while, then know this- I have ditched you for my shadow. Sorry.

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Big Fat Rain

by with No Comment BeautyExerciseFoodGeneralHealth and wellbeing

I went out for dinner with my lovely SILs on Sunday night. It was so nice to be out with other people. But it required me taking off my leggings and actually wearing real clothes. I put on my first pair of trousers and they wouldn’t bloody close! I was horrified. I put on a second pair and they just about closed. Bloody lockdown ! I racked my brain and tried to figure out why I couldn’t do the buttons on my trousers and for the life of me couldn’t understand. Then I looked in the bin to my bedroom and saw it. That empty packet of family sized Doritos that I took down by myself in bed. What a face palm moment. So this whole week I have been walking around feeling like a big fat lump of Doritos. It is not a good feeling. It doesn’t help that old Chump face is looking better than he’s ever looked. Chump.  ( Push ups and the Chump; Cycling )And he just turned 40. He is the fittest he’s been and the most handsome. Chump. Some of my girlfriends even told me how hot he is looking. That evening I found my secret stash of peanut M&Ms and cried. Ah the pressure of living with someone who just gets better with age. Anyway I’ve started doing PE with Joe. We shall see whether it helps but today I’m lacking in motivation and I blame the rain. I hate rain. Just the sound of rain on my windows sends me into a panic. I can actually feel my heart constricting and my arteries getting tight when it rains. It’s a very visceral response. If you know me personally, you’ll know why. Memories of ruined wedding receptions and leaky flats come flooding to the forefront of my mind. Last night I couldn’t sleep at all. The rain just sent me into a flutter of panic. I really needed those M&Ms but then I remembered those stupid trousers and my stupid Chump of a husband and just put the pillow over my ears and repeated a mantra – M&Ms are not your friend. Somehow that got me through the night. Now how to get through the day 

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Parenting

by with No Comment Parenting

Let me preface this post by saying how much I love my children. Their health and well-being is everything to me. Their happiness is paramount to mine and my husband’s life and we spend most of our effort ensuring their happiness.

Now- with that caveat in place, let me talk about parenting. It’s a drag. Am I right ? I know this is some taboo topic and we are supposed to be grateful for every little thing that our children do. We are supposed to savour every moment because they go to quick. Maybe this is all true. In fact it is all true. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not intense and sometimes let’s face it – downright boring. I was doing the school run this morning, sitting in hideous traffic and I just had an epiphany, I love being a parent but I hate parenting. It’s tedious. It’s boring. It’s relentless. Every morning it’s the same argument and pleading- wake up, please please wake up, go for a wee- you don’t need a wee? Of course you need a wee. Everybody needs a wee when they wake up. Brush your teeth. You didn’t brush for long enough. Get dressed. I know you don’t want to go to school. I know you’re tired. Eat your breakfast. I know you’re not hungry but you should eat anyway because you will be really hungry at school. Come on let’s go. Let’s walk to school. I know your legs hurt but it’s good exercise. And on it goes. I often see adults running in the morning and I envy them. They are so free. Or maybe they‘re not. I don’t know what their lives are but I envy being able to just wake up and doing what I want. Not having to consider anyone else. I often look at others who have their own evening free. From the moment I pick up my kids at 2:50pm I am just doing stuff for them, with them. Making dinner, supervising homework, washing uniform, bathing, bedtime, conking out in my daughter‘s bed, then shuffling to my boy‘s room to put him to bed. By 9pm I am finished. Where has the time gone? Where has the time gone for me ? I think this is the same for most parents whether they work or not. Life is hectic and intense with kids. We love them and we love being parents, but the actual minutiae of parenting is a drag. There is no end to this post. There is no wrapping it up nicely. This is parenting. There is no end. To this day my poor mum and dad still worry about me and on top of that now they worry about their grandkids. What a drag.

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Working Mothers

by with No Comment GeneralHealth and wellbeingParenting

Let me preface this post by saying I don’t intend to be controversial. I don’t intend to be dismissive of anybody. These are merely my observations. If you feel offended, I really truly deeply apologise.

Right. What’s it like being a working mother? Bloody hard work. Preach sister ! What’s it like being a working dad ? I don’t know. But I suspect in most cases maybe a little bit easier ? Of course I’m generalising. Maybe in your household it’s not. Or it’s 50/50. In most households I know, including my own, the brunt of childcare falls on me. And I can’t even complain about it because I deliberately left my job in the private sector to join a much more holistic and inclusive organisation that recruited me on a part time basis and understood that I had children and therefore needed a real work life balance. This is wonderful. I wish more organisations would emulate my work place. But most employers pay lip service to the plight of working mothers because they really don’t care about how mothers manage their lives as long as they are getting their work done. Enter Covid. The great leveller. Suddenly we all had the issue of childcare ( Home fracking learning) .Suddenly employers had to care about children and so did dads ( Things I like about lockdown). Dads who previously were always at the office were suddenly home and saw first hand how difficult it was to manage careers with children and general domesticity. Suddenly dads had to worry about getting lunch and dinner on the table too. Kids are hungry all the time. They don’t wait for work to be done. Kids get sick during working hours. Not just evenings and weekends ( Parenting). Here is where it all falls down for me though. I have been primary caregiver for all of my childrens’ lives that when they are ill or sad or upset or hungry their default position is to want me. Not daddy. It’s not his fault. He wasn’t at home with them. He was at work, working bloody hard providing for us. But I work too. I have a professional reputation to maintain. I have career ambitions too and every time my kids get ill or need to be picked up early, or when school holidays roll around, who picks up the brunt of parenting ? It’s me. Does this overtly ruin my chances of career progression ? Well no employer in their right minds can ever admit to that. But compare me to the man who also works, but who has a partner at home who can deal with all childcare related issues, who can come into the office because his partner can look after the kids, who gets to work early because he doesn’t have to drop kids to school, well then he’s looking pretty good. He is probably no better than me at the actual work but to the world he is just a more attractive employee. Is it his fault ? No. Is it his partner‘s fault ? No. It’s just the way society is stacked against us ( The price of being female). What are the solutions ? I don’t know. It’s not something that changes over night. It has to be a generational shift. Forced paternity leave has been floated around. I don’t know if that’s the solution. I don’t know what the solution is. All I know is that there are days when I wish I had a wife at home too. Then I wouldn’t be eating cold dominos for the third night in a row and I would have some clean clothes to wear tomorrow.